We were not always this happy and have had our share of problems.  About six years ago, I was ready to take the leap into the world of a divorced single mother of two little girls.  I remember coming home after working a 12 hour day as a manager in a large corporation and thinking I had enough with this dead beat husband and marriage.

 

My husband had been laid off from his job for several months, with very little confidence in himself as a man, father, and husband, he began spiraling out of control, isolating his feelings, disrespecting me, not aggressively job hunting, and lying.   My plea for him to get help was ignored.  He was no longer interested in me as his wife, lover, friend, or mother of his daughters.  The overwhelming guilt he had from his wife supporting the family financially was too much to be thankful for; instead, he was extremely envious and resentful.  I, of course, was not the supportive wife I am today either.  The backlash (as a teenager to her parents) was daily.  I couldn't bare to go home anymore, the children saw me as a mean mother, and I began to see myself as a mean mother and wife.  I hated this person he made me when I was around him, I hung on for as long as I could until I decided enough was enough.  It took a while to get there because I wanted to make sure I came to the conclusion with a clear head and not one filled with anger and resentment.

 

 

Wrong!  It was the new beginning I didn't think could happen.  After he attended for a few weeks, we began attending together .  I never thought I would learn so much about being a wife and he a husband and how sacred our marriage had to be.  We learned so much about each other and what we needed to change to survive in this marriage.   Now, here we are, getting ready to celebrate 17 years of marriage and realizing we love each other more today than ever before.  A couple of nights ago, while in bed, he held me as we spooned and whispered in my ear how beautiful I was and how he loves me more today than the day he said "I do".  How did we get here from the brink of a statistic, listed below are what we focused on and still focus on today.

 

Below is my effort list to a long and happy marriage:

 

1.  Communication & Trust.  Always communicate even if it may result in an argument.  When you stop communicating, it's only a matter of time to reach the end of the marriage.  While communicating, make sure what you are saying is true.  Building trust is difficult if it had been broken in the past.  There will be doubt in the marriage, the only one responsible is the one who broke the bond of trust, so don't get angry if your partner doubts you, just think of the hurt you caused him/her by lying or avoiding the truth and keep working on building it.

 

2.  Be supportive.  If you feel it may be a bad idea, choice, or decision, be inquisitive about your concerns which may help your partner see the risks, but don't let it lead to an argument, instead, show your support by being there if something goes wrong.  Be there to help pick up the pieces.

 

3.  Never make him feel "less of a man" or her "less of a woman".  This was most likely my number one problem in my marriage when my husband was out of work.  We, as women, like to be desired, sexy, and made to feel like a real woman, as such, he wants you to make him feel like a real man (not a wimpy one).

 

4.  Make time for each other.  We all live very busy lives with our children, caring for elderly parents, work, etc.  We have to remind ourselves to pay attention to each other and our marriage.  Remember, our marriage should be one of most sacred things in our lives.  We have all heard of doing a "date night" which is great, but c'mon, we only have date night once a month.  Try showering together while you're getting ready for work, you won't lose time since it's probably already a part of your routine.  If you don't have time to make love in the shower, the anticipation will be even greater for that night.  Try doing this a couple of times a week.

 

5.  Tell him how good he looks, how strong he is, what a great husband, father, lover he is and be attentive.  This always works - Boost their ego a bit.  But it goes both ways.  Women, too, want to be desired, told they are beautiful, a great mother, lover, and wife.  This should be done daily especially when he/she is doing related tasks.  If he is chopping wood, tell him how strong he is.  If she is giving the kids a bath, tell her what a great mom she is.  Get my point?

 

6.  Think of a time your spouse looked the sexiest and keep that mental picture with you all the time, even more so when you are upset.  It helps keep that spark lit and has you looking forward to the next night.  It will have you trying new things in the bedroom to create more mental pictures.  It will also help you make-up faster when you're upset.

 

7.  Don't argue when you are angry.  Take a couple of hours to calm down so that you don't say anything you will regret, then have a calm discussion about what upset you.  We are exhausted enough from our daily duties, we don't need to waste our energy on being angry all day.

 

8.  Recognize each other's accomplishments.  Tell your partner how proud you are of them, we all like to hear how well we are doing.  It demonstrates our appreciation for each other outside of the normal family duties.

 

9.  Compromise.  Compromise.  Compromise.  A relationship is not one-sided unless you are in it by yourself.  Always compromise even the little things will make a big difference.  One of our primary goals in a marriage is not only to be happy but try to make each other happy too.

 

10.  Put forth effort.  Everything we do takes effort, so does having a lasting marriage.  In order to beat the odds of divorce, we have to make an honest effort to make things work and change how we think.  If my husband did not put forth the effort to attend marriage counseling, I would not be here today writing this article.  It takes EFFORT to accomplish 1-9 and quite possibly 10. 

 

If you can put forth the effort to follow these rules, and you truly love each other, you will have a long lasting marriage.  Keep in mind, both partners have to be willing to do the work.  One cannot compensate for the other.  If your partner is not willing to put in the effort, then it's time to find someone who will.  Sometimes it takes a serious ultimatum for one to decide if they love you enough to take this step.  There are 3 results: 

 

1) They don't love you enough

2) They don't take you seriously (in this case, you need to take action for them to take you seriously)

3) They love you and are willing to change to have a long lasting marriage