These are based on my own personal experiences working in the catering industry. I’ve worked in greasy spoons, supermarket cafés and even high class restaurants. I’ve cooked, I’ve waited, and I’ve served drinks at the bar. In all these places it seems there is one thing in common: Moronic customers. In fact, I feel that every other person who walks into a restaurant instantly becomes a tosser and looses half their brain.

1. Spread your crap all over the table and leave it behind.
After all, it’s our job to clean up your mess right? Wrong. Say, if you’re a doctor and I go in and when you ask me to describe by symptoms and I shout “Tell me what’s wrong with me! That’s your job!” Same thing. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to just pile everything onto a tray and then leave it for us to pick up. And believe me, the staff will be a lot more friendly to you if you do. Also, don’t leave your own stuff, it’s bad enough you expect us to pick up every shredded wrapper, stray piece of food, torn up receipt and loose marble, don’t make us clean up your spent chewing gum wrappers (and chewing gum for that matter) too.

2. Let your loin spawn loose.
Children are not conducive to a pleasant atmosphere in a public place. For the most part they are quite the opposite. Now, I know you think your baby is a precious little miracle. But to me it’s something that’s trying to regurgitate its lungs while it shits itself. Neither of these things is pleasant. When in a high class place, please leave your squawking progeny in the hands of a baby sitter, for the sake of staff who have to put up with them at least five times a day, and for customers who’ve paid good money to eat well.

Also, keep older children under control. Running toddler + Waiter carrying piping hot food= me grinning like a monkey, and you screaming about how we’ve hurt your precious little noise machine. I don’t expect every parent to be a disciplinarian, but if you’re kids don’t know it’s a bad idea to run screaming through a crowded café, or a posh restaurant, then you’re doing something very wrong.

3. Be a twat about tips.
We don’t care if you tip us. The few pennies you drop into that jar add up to maybe a couple of quid on top of our wage packets, which is bugger all really. Still, it’s the thought that counts though, and staff will treat you better if you tip. But at the same time, we won’t hold it against you if you don’t tip us. What we WILL hold against you is being an arse about it. The following behavior is perfect proof you are a twat about tips:
• You ensure everyone in the vicinity can see you giving the tip, drawing attention to it as much as possible.
• You dangle tips over the pot and ask “Why should I give this to you?”
• You specifically draw attention to the fact you will not tip the staff. As if we care.
• Start asking how the tips are distributed.
Let me state this very clearly. We don’t care about how much money you give, or if you give it. Just don’t be a twat about it.

4. Complain about the wrong things to the wrong people.
If you have a problem with the food, ask to speak to the chef. If you have a problem with the service, ask to speak to the head waiter. If you have a problem with prices, ask to speak to the manager (in many cases the head chef). Whining about how your chicken has been overcooked to the waiter is a waste of your time, and his. Talking to the head chef about the service may prompt him to give the waiter in question a tongue lashing, but he (or she), will hold a grudge against you for all time for pulling him away from his kitchen. And not many chefs are like Jamie Oliver. Most are psychos.

5. Whine about set meals.
Many quick café’s, such as those in supermarkets operate on a set meal system. Often, they will allow you to make small changes (such as substituting chips for mash potato, or beans for peas), to keep you happy. Often this set meal system is also what allows the prices of these places to be so damn cheap, and the only way they can cope with the sheer volume of customers they get on the tiny workforce the budget these big companies allocate to them allow.

So when people get pissy because they can’t have the exact meal they want, think of this: you get what you pay for. You think you can order fish and chips for £3.50 anywhere? If you wanted to be picky and sift through the menu, then go to a real restaurant. You’re screwing up a system that ensures we can serve you, and that you get a decent price. If everything is made to order, then the prices need to go up. Then you’ll complain about that, so just go somewhere else.

6. Whine In General.
There’s a big difference between complaining and whining. In short, our paycheck as staff relies on you as a customer being happy. So if something is making you unhappy, tell us and we’ll fix it. Genuine complaints are ALWAYS taken seriously, no matter how it might look to you. On the other hand, whining will just get you the ire of the staff. Here are some examples of genuine complaints:

• “My food is cold” (After just being served)
• “This is not what I ordered.”
• “The restaurant is cold.”
• “The waiter was very rude.”

Now, here are some examples of whining:
• “My food is cold.” (Having just spent half an hour not eating it)
• “The place is too crowded.” (You came in at lunchtime! What do you expect?)
• “My drink isn’t filled to the brim.” (Let me see, half a centimeter of difference from the top of the glass, versus your drink spilled everywhere as it’s brought over…)
• “The portions are too small.” (You ordered a children’s portion you fat b****.)

As you can seem, the main difference is context. Don’t complain about things
a) We can’t help you with,
b) Are your own fault,
c) Are a vain attempt to get a freebie.

Item C is probably the most annoying. Someone comes back with an empty plate saying the meal was disgusting and they want a refund. Yet they are it all. Someone sends back a burger because they feel that the bun was not cut directly in the middle. Someone sends back a sandwich because it wasn’t flattened. This actually happened, I shit you not.

In summary, think if you should complain before you open your mouth for anything other than eating.

7. Just pay with the bloody note.
Old people are hell for this. If we’re short on change, we’ll let you know. There’s a line of people behind you all wanting to pay for their food, so please just give me that note and I can give you some change. No I don’t care about the money in the till. Any well organized place will have a few bags of change on standby. Please use the note. Look, while you’re counting out every last penny in your smegging purse, people behind you are looking at their formerly hot drinks and tutting. And you’re not going to get the blame, I am. Please just use the note.

Look, I don’t need 5p’s! Just GIVE ME THE GODDAMN FIVER!!! AAAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

8. Expect us to go that little bit further, when we really can’t.
Okay, so you really want the cheesecake… Why are you telling me this? Oh, there’s none on display? Well that means we’re out of stock… You want me to check the back to see if there’s any there? And plate you some up? Uhhhh…

What’s wrong with the above request? Absolutely nothing, as long as we assume two things:
1) The establishment is not busy.
2) The person being asked can be covered by someone, or doesn’t need their job to be covered.
You know what the punch line is? If anyone had the time to restock the cheesecake, and there was cheesecake to restock with, SOMEONE WOULD HAVE DONE IT ALREADY.

In short, don’t expect us to go that little bit further for you when we’re busy. If the place is quiet, then by all means, we will help all we can. Until then, just accept that some things just don’t happen.

9. Act like you’ve got some sort of entitlement.
It seems everyone who comes into a restaurant or café thinks they’re special. Everyone has a reason why they should be allowed to jump the queue, why they should have a meal made specifically to request that isn’t on the menu, why they should be allowed to eat their own food… The fact of the matter is this: You are not special. You can get the hell back in line and wait like everyone else. People who think they have special rights:
• Mothers with children. You got knocked up, why should I suffer for it?
• The elderly. It takes me 3 minutes to write down your highly specific order, which creates a queue of people. If I’m cooking it then takes me an extra five minutes to dig around the kitchen looking for things you’ve asked for, creating a backlog of orders.
• Businessmen and women. I don’t care if you need to get to a high powered meeting. I don’t care if you earn over 100K a year (and what the hell are you doing in a dive like this anyway if you do?), you have no right to jump the queue.
• Kids. I don’t care if daddy told you to get the drink pay here and come back. He forgot to say queue. No, the kid is not cute, and he’ll have to learn sometime!
• Not tossers honest. People who say “God that person with the three screaming kids who’s made a massive mess on the table and sent back her pie because it was the wrong shade of brown’s an arse isn’t he?”, or words to those effects, in order to try and build a rapport with poor overworked staff, are put in the same category as the people they are talking about.

10.Don’t bother checking what type of restaurant you are going to, or the procedures they use.
Not every place offers table service. Hint: if you sit down for ten minutes and then complain about the lack of service, you’ll look a douche in a place where you need to order food at a counter. Especially if you’re sat in a pub. Likewise don’t get arsey with staff if they ask you to sit at a table before taking your order. When you let one person be exempt from the system, everyone wants to be exempt from it. And then you never get anything done, so deal with it.

Don’t look at the menu and complain about the lack of cheap food if you are in an a la carte restaurant. Just go to McDonalds or something, don’t take it out on the staff just because we don’t cater for someone of your income. Likewise Don’t ask for High quality, perfectly cooked meals at a supermarket café. You are paying for microwave or deep fried food, and that’s what you’ll be getting. If you don’t like it then go somewhere else.

11. Take fistfuls of condiments and napkins.
You wonder why so many places charge for sauces these days? Because some twats take mountains of sauce sachets, and then only use one or two. The thing is once someone’s handled the sauce sachets, we’re not allowed to restock them for health reasons. These sachets cost us as a business money.

It’s your own damn fault you need to pay for sachets. They’re only like 5p anyway, so stop whining about it.

In closing.
I hope this advice may prevent you from making an ass of yourself in public again, or earning the utter contempt of staff at eating houses all over the world. It’s not that difficult, the golden rule to remember is this: While we are paid to look after you, we are not paid to wipe your arse or let you make our lives harder.

-Evis T.