December 21st, 2012 is thought to be either the end of the world, or the beginning of a new era, depending on who you read, listen to, or believe. Whether it comes from aliens beginning their colonization of the planet, polar shift of the earth’s axis, a giant meteor, Mutually Assured Destruction through atomic warfare, the deterioration of the walls between three parallel earths, galactic alignment between the sun and the massive black hole at the center of our galaxy, the collision of the planet Nibiru with the earth, the Mayan Armageddon or the biblical “End of Days” it is fairly likely that whatever form the apocalypse takes, for most of us that day will really suck. 

 

Don’t be unprepared! Seeing as the chances of survival seem grim, I suggest that you plan on a really good party before the apocalypse. If you happen to have any investments remaining after our current economic meltdown, plan on liquidating them before D-Day. 

 

The problem is, how will you know it is time to blow your wad? Do it too soon, and you will have some serious “splaining to do” (as Ricky Ricardo used to say) to your loved ones. Wait too long and you miss your chance. After considerable study, I have determined the top 10 ways to know the end of the world is near.   

 

1. Dogs stop licking themselves.
2. People start licking themselves.
3. Simon Cowell admits to a flaw.
4. Republicans and democrats agree on something.
5. Politicians say they are telling the truth, and mean it.
6. Rob Blagojevich goes bald.
7. Donald Trump grows real hair.
8. Congress balances the budget.
9. Osama Bin Laden says he was just kidding about “all that terrorist stuff.”
10. Birds do it, bees do it…with each other.
     

When seven or more of the above conditions are met it is time to stop licking yourself, and start the party.