The bad economy hangs over us like an overdue bill. Every day brings bad tidings. 2009 is going to be a tough year. Someone once said: the best things in life are free, but I don’t buy it! Was this nauseating, eternal optimist on some serious meds? If you’ve lost thousands on your 401K, are unemployed, or dodging collection agencies – don’t despair, get creative! Many people are right there with you – in a tiny boat, bailing out water with rusty buckets, slowly sinking...If you resort to desperate measures, that’s okay, you’re neighbors are probably doing it too. There’s no such thing as shame any more. Incompetence is ‘in’, as are tax evasion, lying and cheating. The ‘good ole’ days are now behind us.

So here we go, twenty signs you’re in a depression - oops sorry - recession:

20. You jump a freight train to get to work, then hitchhike home.
19. You break into a hotel to steal the free soap and shampoo - and while you’re there
you grab a matching set of towels to sell on E-bay.
18. You wait for sales at the Dollar Store.
17. The only doctors you ever see are on episodes of “Scrubs.”
16. You start using McDonald’s napkins as toilet paper.
15. You’re competing with a former-CEO, a Harvard Law graduate and an investment
banker for that janitor’s job.
14. You spend your family outing at the plasma clinic – “see kids, free cookies!”
13. You bump into your bank manager while dumpster diving, and fight over a ‘past the
due date’ loaf of bread.
12. For a career change, you start to seriously consider the world’s oldest profession…
11. Every time you see your neighbor’s dog you salivate.
10. A late model Mercedes with a Domino’s pizza delivery sign cuts you off in traffic.
9. You sneak into fast food restaurants to stock up on condiments.
8. Your overdue library fees have gone to collections.
7. You mix cat food with hamburger helper and the kids love it!
6. You can’t decide whether to sell your left or right kidney.
5. To save on funeral costs, you bury grandma in the backyard, and then report her
missing.
4. The guy who stole your identity is begging you to take it back.
3. Your husband asks: “Do we really need both twins?”
2. The local drug dealer has a ‘going out of business’ sale - 50% off - Everything Must
Go!
1. Rich people are worried…

And if you’re looking for work in these hard times, here’s a list of recession-proof jobs:

Sewage treatment workers – the crap keeps on coming!
Elected officials – to clean up the mess their ‘buddies’ got us into.
News anchors – someone has to constantly ram the bad news down our throats!
Beans, Rice, and Ramen noodles production/distribution – try the recession diet!
Doctors /Nurses – stress and depression are way up – so go back to school!
Unemployment office – everyone else is getting laid off.
Prison guards – at the over-populated, free bed and breakfast.
Burger flipping – now a highly competitive field.
Teachers – all kids deserve the best edukayshun.
And the all-time greats: Undertakers and IRS employees – death and taxes!
If you ever find yourself about to jump off a bridge, and an angel called Clarence steps in to save you – you’re either delusional or having a Wonderful Life!!
Happy New Recession everybody!

Alison Hill is a freelance writer/producer with over 12 years' media experience - check out her website: www.serenmediaproductions.com