30 years of Depression: then Freedom

The first time I wrote a note to leave this world I was seven years old. I had not been traumatized that I know of. But I can remember a thought from that age that went like this; ‘If the world is this evil, I don’t want to be here.’

Nothing major happened, but I could sense what was going on in the world; I was very perceptive. My home life was good. My dad was always out working. I lived with one older half brother and one older half sister. I have a total of four half brothers and three half sisters. The others would visit and stay with us during the summer. They were all at least 6 years, and up, older than I.

I don’t know if my dad sensed something or not but in conversation he told me that people who want to commit suicide are only looking for attention. So, I shut down and hid my feelings when I was around people; then at , when I would lay down all those emotions that I would conceal during the day, would come pouring back out. It felt like this deep black tar was flowing through my body. I now see it as ironic, and just now put it together with childhood experiences of my dad running a roofing and remodeling company in Portland, Or. We had a hot tar wagon to do hot mops on flat roofs. (I just realized that seeing the hot tar in the wagon was my physical picture of what was going on inside on me. Also, I always knew when dad got home because I would smell the hot tar wagon pull up the driveway to the shop in the back.)

I dealt with deep dark depression all through my teenage years and twenties and most of my thirties.

I was thirty seven and dealing with a deep dark episode. One day I was thinking about this young pastor/evangelist that had just moved to town from somewhere near Nevada. He had just gotten off the train a few weeks before with his wife and two year old daughter. They were staying at a motel but I didn’t know what number room they were in. I wanted to see if they needed anything. He wasn’t working, they didn’t have a lot of possessions, and motels can get expensive. I was praying about going to see them and I felt the Lord say go up to this specific church first. I went up there and no one was there. I was thinking, ‘what did I hear wrong?’ so I waited and prayed. Then, I thought I heard in the quiet recesses of my mind, ‘Now go see them.’

I headed down to the motel and there he was just coming out of the motel complex. I pulled in and he saw me and invited me into his motel room with his wife and child. I was asking them how they were doing and if I could do anything for them. They didn’t have a car and I know how it is to walk back from the store with groceries for a family. We got to talking and he all of a sudden starts telling me about my life and depression and then asks if he can pray for me.

He starts praying and quoting scriptures and in the recesses on my spirit I can see and feel this dial inside of me turn just a quarter turn. I somehow had changed. The night before this I had been driving looking for a semi truck to play bumper cars with, if you know what I mean. But, I never could do that because I would always think about the trauma it would do to the driver of the truck.

I have not dealt with any depression since and it has been over three years. Do I every once in a while get thoughts? Yes, but I notice what they are and brush them aside. I still talk with my close friends and still keep a close eye out for any symptoms. I still watch and process. But, that deep dark black tar is gone.

Through this whole experience I have learned a few things for me. One is that when I was struggling through this deep dark depression that if you will reach out to someone else and be focused on helping them, at a point healing comes.

I was reading Isaiah 58 the other day and basically the part that stood out to me was that if you spend your life helping others, and pouring your life out for the poor and needy, your healing will swiftly appear;

and it did for me.

I wasn’t looking to see what I could get out of these people, for they had basically nothing. I was just looking for someway to help them. I didn’t have much. But, I had a car and they were without one. I knew of some people that were giving away some stuff and they could probably use it.

Isa 58:6 “Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen: to loose the chains of injustice and untie the cords of the yoke, to set the oppressed free and break every yoke?
Isa 58:7 Is it not to share your food with the hungry and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— when you see the naked, to clothe him, and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?
Isa 58:8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.
Isa 58:9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

The Holy Bible, New International Version.

And your healing will quickly appear…

God Bless,
May this help someone.

(Note: this is not a medical diagnosis article. Keep taking all medications and follow your doctor’s orders. This article is just about my experience and how I was set free from depression).

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