I've been thinking...

I had a near death experience today.

I decided to check my online dashboard with my publisher to see how my book was doing, when I noticed apparently I had only ever sold five copies of my book. Of course, this is impossible given that last time I checked I had sold nearly 100. After contacting my publisher about the discrepancy, I was informed that there was nothing they could do, because they receive their information from an impartial third party implemented for the purpose of auditing discrepancies. The really sad part is, I have personally purchased more than five copies of my book, and have signed more than ten. So where were these copies coming from? Is someone bootlegging my books? I only wish I was that important.

The thing that really bugs me, is from the tone of the response, I was under the impression they weren’t going to look any further into the matter. This flabbergasted me, because they have nothing to lose by exhaustively looking. In fact, if they found out I was correct—which I surely am—they would stand to make money from the sales my book has generated. I was bewildered to think that people can possible be that arrogant and lazy. They would rather assume I was wrong, and settle with no money, than to trust their client, and put customer service first.

Just as I was about to build a laser capable of destroying my publishing house, I was bombarded with another array of stupidity from a Facebook user. I had recently added this Facebook suggestion because the name and thumbnail of the user looked like someone I knew. A few days later, I received a post on my wall saying, “Do I know you, why did you add me?” As many of you are aware that is a rather large pet peeve of mine, but instead of murdering her as I promised I would do, I sent her a private message.

I said, “I hate it when people ask if they know me. Only you are responsible for knowing who you know. I added you because you looked familiar and Facebook suggested you.”

As a sidebar, the reason why I hate it when people write, “Do I know you?” Is as follows:

I.    Look at my name and profile picture; do I look like someone you know?

II.    Read my information section of my profile, my notes, etc. Look are our mutual friends, ask one of them.

III.    Quit being so lazy. You want the whole world to just give you the answers to life questions. Go to the library and pick up a self-help book. I bet you ask the librarian where it is.

IV.    The question itself is a mind-fuck. You are asking me, if I know whether or not you know me. The question itself is the answer, because if I knew the answer then I must know you, because if I didn’t know you, I wouldn’t be able to answer, so asking me is futile. Not to mention that if I didn’t know you, the only information I could really give would be my name, but you know that already. Maybe you were hoping you would foil some scheme I had in place, and by asking who I really was, I would tell you, “Aha, I see you have found me out, clever Facebook user. I am actually an alien from outer space, now I must deactivate my account and return to my home planet. Bah!

Anyway, I received a response from her, shortly after sending that message. Here is what it said:

“um, maybe if you weren’t such an idiot people wouldn’t ask you if they know you...i don’t just add randoms to facebook...you are soooo a creeper.....don’t bug me again...ttyl”

I shall now dissect this message.

First of all, why the hell did you start your message with um? That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen. Were you trying to convince me you just finished watching some MTV based reality show about bimbos in California? If so, you succeeded. What a waste of two key punches. I could bleed out of my ears at the sight of that.

Secondly, where the hell did you learn to write? Where are your capital letters? The shift key makes a letter upper-case. What is with all the ellipses? That isn’t how you separate phrases. Why is there so many letters in “so”? I’ve seen printing in crayon that has better commanded the English language.

Third, stop misusing words. If you don’t know what they mean, don’t use them. Just because you heard someone else say them, doesn’t make it right.

Idiot:  a person affected with extreme mental retardation.
Most people use this word too frequently. Stupid is a much better substitute. People who are actually idiots, you wouldn’t call it to their face, because you wouldn’t want to offend them, but out of context, the word loses all meaning. How can a severely retarded person maintain a Facebook conversation? It’s like calling someone a doorknob, except doorknob is funny.

Random: without definite aim, direction, rule, or method.
I’ve repeated this complaint so many times. People aren’t randoms, in fact, randoms isn’t even a word.

What the hell is a “creeper”? This is a word stupid people use for people they don’t understand on the internet, but it doesn’t make any sense. There is always a perfect word for every application. A person who submits a friend request, which is a function of the site you signed up for, is a creeper? Shouldn’t they be a friend-requestor? It’s not like they were actually physically creeping anywhere. I’ve heard creeping used to describe looking at photos (should be perusing), messaging people in a sexual way (should be pervert), having sex with kids (pedophile). Be mindful of the words you use and you will seldom be misinterpreted.

Lastly, just to put an exclamation point on how stupid you are, you decided to end the message with “ttyl”. The sentence, or unpunctuated clause, just before that said, “Don’t bug me again.” I’m kind of getting mixed signals here. Do you want to talk to me later, or do you want to never talk to me again? If you weren’t so lazy that everything in your life needs to be an acronym you wouldn’t have this contradiction.

I once heard an interesting analogy that I will paraphrase and add to:

Every once in a while you hear a story about a person who was just going about their daily routine, and suddenly had something burst in their head, and they either go into a coma or die. It would appear that it is just a matter of chance, but it’s not. Those things happen for a reason. They happen when you just can’t take anymore stupid at one time. I think there is a reservoir in your brain where the stupid gets stored. There are different ways to release the stupid. You can bitch to a close friend, have a laugh about it, shoot some hookers, etc. However, if you don’t exercise one of the aforementioned methods of stupidity release; your stupid-reservoir will burst and you will die. Maybe that’s what cancer is.

So please, if you don’t want your loved ones to get cancer, or have their brains explode, stop being stupid. Start applying a little logic to the things you do. Don’t be lazy; spend a couple joules of energy to think really hard. Think so hard you could fart then think harder. Who knows, maybe you will lose weight, but at the very least you won’t be killing people you love willy-nilly.

Stupid: slow of mind: given to unintelligent decisions or acts: acting in an unintelligent or careless manner: lacking intelligence or reason.

There; I’ve released my stupid-reservoir. Thanks.

-Gerald A. Dinkel (He just says things.)

http://sardonicconnection.blogspot.com/2009/01/43-my-near-death-experience.html