I learned two extremely valuable lessons last evening. You'd think that these would have been things that I would know already at this point in my adulthood but I suppose they needed reinforcement.

1. Always like what you are wearing because if you don't you are not going to feel good or have fun.

2. Drunk people are assholes.

My friends and I went out to see a band and do some shaking it. I decided that rather than spend all my money and wind up accidently biting my friend Rachel's nose like I did last week, I would do the charitable thing and be the designated driver. Things were going fantastically well until we got to the bar and I realized I hated my outfit.

No that's too harsh. I didn't hate my outfit. I hated my shirt/jeans combo. Inspired by a picture of Jessica Simpson (yeah...mistake number one) in Us Weekly, I threw on a pair of dark skinny jeans and black slouch boots. I topped it with my black Beatles t-shirt and a pair of arm warmers. What are arm warmers? They are these things that I think I invented because I've never seen anyone else wearing them and they are really more about functionality than style. But I cut the legs off a pair of leggings and made thumbholes and put them on my arms to keep them warm because if you read last week's entry, it is currently 15 degrees in New York. Needless to say, I should have worn different jeans. I just wasn't feeling the skinny jeans with the t-shirt. And so I was not happy.

I did try. I attempted to dance but my jeans kept sliding down so I had to hike them up every two seconds. And I know how incredibly sexy it is when a girl is fidgeting with her outfit nonstop. So then I thought maybe if I just lean against the wall and try to be still and look smouldering whilst I chew my gum and sip my Red Bull I'll be okay. But then one of my drunken asshole friends told me I was being "not nice" and punctuated his accusation with a smack of my rear end.

Fast forward to 3:40am a.k.a. time to leave. We are all piling into the van where yet another insult is shot like a dart into the back of my head. "I like Cara better when she drinks", says drunken asshole friend #2. Lovely. So now I felt the need to explain to this rowdy bunch exactly why I was in a less than stellar mood. And after my explanation about how I was simply not comfortable with my choice of attire and it was affecting my mood, I was met with drunken asshole statement #3. "We can fix that in a second. Just don't wear anything!" He almost walked the rest of the way home.

However, all that aside it really was a banner evening because I got to witness a catfight, argue with a drunk girl from Sweden out front who was trying to get in with a photocopied Passport and who spat on me like a camel and I got two middle aged women thrown out for holding up the bathroom line because they were smoking a joint in the stall. GOOD times.

But next time, and I will recommend this to everyone, do a few laps around the house in your clothing before you leave for the night. Make sure nothing slides, bunches, pinches, squeezes, becomes see through under flash bulbs, or rides up your ass crack when you walk across a room. Your drunk friends will thank you for it.