Today is Valentines Day - the one day of the entire year where we're all supposed to recognize love and our loved ones. Apparently doing this all year isn't necessary as long as we show our love through expensive roses and cards that profess how everything will be alright as long as we have each other. And you know what? I play into this - specifically the part of "love never failing" and "as long as we have each other..." and all the other romantic Hollywood garble that makes the "non-attached" hurl.

A few weeks ago everything was basically perfect: he had his job, I had mine. We were finally living together after my move across the country from LA to New York. We'd found an apartment. We spent evenings dining out, watching movies, laughing and giggeling. We spent weekends at museums and in Central Park with the dog, and one day on my lunch break I bought a card for Valentines Day...

Something along the lines of "Though the world is full of hustle and bustle, and life is a challenge, and the day is hecktic, etc,etc,etc... as long as we know we're in this together, I know things are okay..." Something like that. I bought it relating to the ideas of "crazy New York" and the challenges we'd met to be together and mostly to the idea that love is enough.

Then he found out his job was restructured. He's completely lost his base salary and been moved to a position he's not even sure he wants. He's more stressed then ever before, filled with emotion and self-doubt, and to make matters worse he wants to leave NY. "I came here to do this particular thing," he said, "with the idea I'd be making a certain amount and if I can't do that, it's too expensive to live here and New York doesn't make me happy. You make me happy but New York does not."

He wants to move to Colorado or back to Cali and now that my job is perfect for me, I'm not sure I can go yet. I think about my life here without him and it just doesn't add up. I
don't want to be here without him, but if I go right now it's career suicide.

Why can't love be enough? Who needs a powerful career if I'm not happy without him? And for that matter, this is NYC - he can make it work for him for a year or two. Isn't loving me and being with me enough? He said if he can't love himself and his souroundings he can't love me to the best of his abilities.

And then there's the appearance thing...the one superficial thing, my deamond, that keeps me from the "love is enough" fact. How does all this look? We're not even married and after a month and a half I'm gonna pick up and FOLLOW him again? What? Most people would say, "she's insane". And I told him this. I said, "I'm not trying to give you an ultimatum or force you into marriage,.." and he interupted and said, "let's get married."

Okay fine, but where's the ring, where's the wedding, wheres the silly and expensive hoopla that every girl wants but doesn't really truly need?

We went to dinner at 10:30pm last night - leave it to New York to allow for deep, late-night discussions followed by a hot meal! We passed a diner with hearts in the window. "Only two hours to Valentines Day," he said. It was his first mention of the day. We walked on.

The conversation picked up again at dinner. I explained that as silly as it is, it would be so much easier for me to make another move if it were because my HUSBAND had to move. "I can't afford the ring," he explained and I conqured knowing that for the first time in a while his large salary has been reduced to basically nothing. He's worried about paying the rent - I can't expect a diamond, but I won't settle. I'll wait, but I won't settle.

"I'll buy you a chip or a piece of glass and you can walk in to your boss and tell him you're leaving," Kevin joked.

I get serious and quiet during disucssions like this. I just shook my head.

"There's a reason people give and receive diamonds," I eventually spoke up. "It's more than a gift, it's a symbol."

"What am I if to just except some quick and cheap adornment?"

He understood what I was getting at. I deserve someone who will take the time or the money or the effort to do something like that for me, to really propose.

"I'm not having a shot-gun wedding over a pregnant career," I said.

"You're right. I understand," he replied. And he did.

Of course then he joked, "Okay so we're getting married right? So we're engagned."

"No we're not," I said. "No ring, no real proposal. No we're not."

"Yes we are."

"No we're not."

"Yes we are."

He proceeded to write it on the back of the bill. I refused to read it. We left. I guess the waitor will know we're engaged, but no one else will. Not until I get a real proposal, because at this point I've decided I'm not sure love is enough. It's enough for me. I live for love and I will move for love, but I need it to be enough for him - enough to make a commitment, enough to chill in NYC for just a little while so I can work on my career, or enough to save up and buy a ring. Enough to actually say (not write) "Will You Marry Me?"

This morning, as he stayed in bed with the covers over his face trying, as he explained, to "figure out how to position himself at this company", I put the Valentines Day card on the pillow next to him and left to go to work.