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Dear Johnny,

I'm writing to you on the corner of despair and hope. You see, I seem to have lost my faith in the faithless. I know that's confusing, but my entire life has been that way, so it seems to fit the order of things on any given day.

I. Change is a Bastard

Over the many years of my life, I've tried to remain open-minded. The one thing the cool "alternative" people don't tell you is that there really is no such thing as a true open mind. So, in these years of seeing different viewpoints and thinking that they were my own disguised under a different hat, I've realized just how far the line between open-mindedness and fundamentalism stood from each other. MY TRUTH is that they are neck-and-neck with each other. Sort of like identical twin sisters who try to fight their mother's psychotic urge to dress them alike, even when they are teenagers. While one daughter tries to be the good non-judgmental freak that we all know doesn't exist in this world, the other refuses to place a pretty bow on the ugliness of humanity. Well, in reality, they are more like the reaction to their psychotic mother.

Fuck! Aren't we all?

All right. I've been of fan of Jello Biafra for over ten years and I think one of the most memorable things that I've heard him say was in regards to fundamentalism, as it relates to religion and politics. He believed that fundamentals were so far to one side (ie: right or left) that they really had nowhere else to go but to the other side -- an exact opposite of their so-called beliefs. And, over the years, I've been thinking about what he said and I what I eventually came to was a generalization on the nature of change.

Or, if you're a Kevin Smith fan, think about what he said in Dogma -- you can change an idea, but people die to change their beliefs. Well, that's not really how I feel about my own personal beliefs, but I can see how a change in faith might affect one of those fundamentals. How do you make a choice that will prove that your entire life has been a lie? They don't get the fundamental part of it all. If they did, like I do, they'd be able to set a change in motion that would positively affect their lives.

II. Religion is a Rollercoaster

Since I wasn't damned with having overbearing parents that require my thoughts to be the same as theirs, I've experimented with different religions to find out which one fit me the best.

I was born into catholicism, but don't remember much about it besides the study book that my godparents gave me when we moved away from California at age six. I was kind of a book/learning nerd when I was younger, so I thought that was the coolest thing. In the process of moving, it was lost and that was the end of my experience as a catholic. Well, until I became an adult and was obsessed with it. To this day I still own and display some of my favorite rosary beads that I've inherited over the years. I also think it's pretty unfair that a religion filled with as many crazy people (like catholicism) should be lucky enough to have the amazing gothic architecture in it's history.

When I was a little bit older, I joined a southern baptist church with my mother. By choice. My experience with that church was kind of funny, though, because my dad hated churches due to his belief that they were only after his money. So, he broke down and attended when mom and I got baptized. What was the sermon about? Giving more money to the church! Classic stuff. I don't remember what happened, but we eventually stopped going.

The next church I went to was probably around junior high to early high school years. I don't remember who started me going to this particular church, but one of the girls that was involved in the youth program with me was my best friend when I moved to Moore (Oklahoma) at the age of seven. We were awesome friends until it was time to go to school. I guess she got embarassed by me at school because I wasn't as popular as her and her other friends. Go figure. Anyway, the church thing was later on. I eventually stopped going to it because I was tired of the popularity contests in the youth program. I felt extremely left out, so I said fuck it and went on my way..

..to another christian church that I attended with someone I'm still great friends with. This church seemed to be more accepting, but the teachers there were confusing the hell out of me. They would teach us about one thing and then turn around and act like what I'd learned was wrong. I think I was trying to figure out their truths along with the truths I had learned through catholicism. It was impossible.

My last experience with christianity pretty much encapsulated my beliefs about the people in it, the followers. Judgmental. Two-faced. Fucking snobs. And, once I'd figured this out, I never wanted another thing to do with god, jesus, or their crazy ass followers.

For several years I was content to be an atheist, but something happened. Something snapped inside me when I started reading the Satanic Bible. So, which came first -- my anger or my faith in satanism? I don't know, but I have been angry for a very long time.

So, atheism and satanism go pretty much hand-in-hand, but after so long I got completely dissillusioned with feeling so right about the non-existence of a christian god or creator. I gradually went from knowing somehow that there wasn't a creator to thinking that there probably was and then finally to not giving a shit one way or the other.

That began my reluctant introduction to agnosticism. It hasn't been that long since I've welcomed the fact that I am a true agnostic because, like I said -- reluctant. In the years before I had always seen agnostics as being sell outs. Like, they weren't capable of picking one side or the other, but today I understand more what it means.

III. The Search for Truth is Over

For at least the past four or five years I've struggled with the idea of truth. Not being truthful, but how it relates to the universe. It's one of my favorite and most-hated subjects because no matter how much you think or talk about it, you are just walking in circles for a lifetime.

I think I borrow this idea from the Vampires, but I think it holds some power to it --

There is one truth, but there is also many.

It's bothered me for quite some time that the existence of any religion discredits the merits of all the others. You can sit there and say that you respect all religions, but how can you have complete faith in yours unless you know for a fact that all of the other religions are wrong? I know this probably makes me a little bit fundamental, but it's something that gets in the way of living a positive life as a religious person. At least, in my eyes it does.

So, now I'm coming back to what made me choose satanism to begin with -- the individualism, the freedom to think/act/live for yourself, and being able to find your own place in a religion that doesn't seem to hold you to all it's principles.

But, I don't know. I'd finally gotten to the place where I no longer believed that about the Church of Satan. The followers of it, as a majority, seemed to be doing pretty much the same thing that those of christianity had been doing. Very judgmental, hypocritical, and super snobby. While this is something that is sometimes rejoiced in most members of the CoS, it's not generally something I care for in a human being. Not 100% of the time anyway. This is something I can forgive because I'm pretty much a solitary creature, but there are other things that turn me off by it. Maybe it's not so much the religion or ideas themselves, because I think Mr. LaVey was a brilliant man and will forever hold his life up as an example of an extraordinary human being.. but, I think has more to do with my own personality and the way that fits into the philosophy.

I've had points in my life where I've questioned my own behavior and tried to use my connection to satanism into talking myself into being another person. I'd ask myself.. that's not very satanic of you, is it? Well, why should I question my actions based on another man's ideas? I refuse to. I've caused myself to try to live up to some strange example of what other people think being satanic means. I don't want to live in others eyes. I want to live in my own.

So, it is with pure happiness that I shed my satanic training wheels and make an effort to become my own person with my own unique thoughts on how *I* fit into the world.

While I'm sure it will be said by someone that I can still do that in satanism, christianity, buddhism, vampirism, etc. etc., I'm not really one that deals well with someone else's rules, so it's better for me to just be my own country.

Less people will get hurt this way.