A Major Mistake I Committed while Talking to My Teenagers

I learned the hard way to correct a major mistake I was making while talking to my teenager son and daughter. I hope you have learned this a long time ago and are now just smiling at my ignorance.

But if you are like me, I’d like to help you by sharing my little discovery. The solution I found really works for me.

Are you familiar with this cycle?...

Spotting an “obvious” problem, having your parental reflexes kick in with a shot of adrenaline, criticizing the behavior or the situation like the world is on fire, pointing a finger, having a finger pointed back at you, raising your voice, hearing other raised voices around you, then hearing doors slammed on your face, sulking and not talking in protest for a day, a week, or a month or more, then starting to feel guilty, feeling TERRIBLE actually, then trying to make nice again only to find out that the temperature of the relationship has chilled down by a few notches, feeling yet even more guilty and angry while both sides wonder “how come he cannot understand something sooo simple?” etc. etc. ad infinitum…

Welcome to the club my dear parent brothers and sisters.

After having a few such head-bashings with my own teenagers, I discovered that the reason why I was getting sooo upset with them and why it was doing no good whatsoever to them either is because I was assuming that the conflict had something to do with ME.

I was thinking (that is, talking to myself inside my head) and feeling that they were pushing me into a position where if I (with a BIG “I”) did not help AT ALL COSTS I would become a negligent father who did not do his duty.

I was getting angry at them because they did not allow ME to be the “BEST FATHER” I could be, as though I was in a contest with all the other fathers in the world!

They were denying ME a chance to show them just how easy and wonderful life could be if only they let ME to share a few tips and pointers that I had learned the hard way all through these years.

Then, thinking hard and very honestly about the situation (because I really believe in cognitive therapy but HONESTY is the key) I found to my amazement how much my feelings of hurt were focused on MY hurt, MY pain and MY frustration.

Wow… I could feel the hot wind leaving my sails with a huge big sucking sound. I could also feel my blood pressure falling down like a cool rock. Oh my God good relief…

What at the same instant occurred to me is that, this is all about THEM.
It is about THEIR problems, and THEIR life, THEIR struggles, THEIR pride and THEIR joy, not mine. What the hell did I have to do with it?

I was amazed to find out the way I inserted my own ego and my own image, my own “trip” into their paths and tried to build up my own ego and pride under the guise of helping THEM. I was frankly embarrassed at the extent of my delusion and egoism.

Now I really approach them with a lot more patience, perseverance, and compassion. I really feel my love for them has grown by leaps and bounds when I appreciated the kind of odds waiting for them out there in the world. I take pity at them for the kind of task (to be happy) they are trying so hard to achieve.

I have decided I should be one LESS thing they should worry about in their lives as if they did not have enough to worry about.

Now when they ask me my opinion (which – surprisingly – they do it more frequently these days) I give them my honest opinion WITHOUT however insisting that they implement it right away, or without any follow-ups to check whether they did it or not. They are my children, not my life-project implementing agents. I decided to trust them 100% and leave the rest to God and their good characters.

So, if you are having these angry confrontations with your teenager, just try to switch from a “this is about ME, MY house and MY principles” frame of mind to a “this is about HIM/HER and HIS/HER future and HIS/HER life” kind of framework.

In other words, as weird and contradictory as it may seem, try to approach your own children as if you are approaching a NEIGHBOR or a TOTAL STRANGER that you have just met…

Imagine that this STRANGER is asking for your help. Treat your children as if you are helping a total stranger that you will never see again. That way no self-image and ego-calculation would be indexed to your behavior, correct? NO EXPECTATIONS. That’s the rule. Why? Because it has “nothing to do with you" -- in the sense that I tried to explain here.

When you do things without any expectations and just for the goodness of the act itself, a whole different world of mercy and peace opens up for all concerned.

Try changing your INNER DIALOGUE and your behavior and emotions will follow as well. You might be pleasantly amazed at the results.

Remember your mantra – it’s not about YOU; it’s about THEM.