A Short Course in Mastering the Art of Internet Sparring

Everyone enjoys a good flame match on the internet. It's a great way of blowing off a little steam and reducing the tension created by our hectic lives. But it takes a cool head and some creative condescension to win the game. Once you start ranting, frothing at the mouth like a rabid hyena, and hurling base expletives, it's all over -- you've lost.

Of course, sending your opponent over the precipice of psychotic rage is the ultimate internet high. I've compiled a list of tips to improve your game and help you ascend to the ranks of the truly gifted verbal sparrers.

Don't try to hide your anger with cheesy net acronyms.
As a general rule, if someone peppers their post with with LOL, LMAO, or ROTFL, it's a pretty safe bet that you've gotten to them. Stay away from this tactic of the inexperienced flamer. It will tip your hand every time. Once you see them cropping up in your opponents posts, congratulate yourself. You've got them on the edge, and now it's time to up the ante. In no time you'll have steam coming out of their ears.

Maintain composure, even if you're anger is building.
If you have to, take a break and don't post in a rage. Go have a refreshing beverage and think up some nifty come-backs. Your adversary's depleted gene pool is always a winning angle to work.

Always be calm and condescending.
This cannot be stressed enough. After all, and angry re-action is what you're seeking. The angrier your opponents get, the calmer you should get. Let them know that you understand it's not their fault they're so dull witted. Years ago, nobody knew just how harmful living in close proximity to power lines could be.

Never post right after your opponent.
Even if you do live on the net 24/7 -- and lapse into convulsions if your connection is down for more than 10 minutes -- you don't want appear that this is the case. It's best to let at least an hour pass before posting a retort. This, of course, will give you time to cool down as was previously mentioned.

Always avoid being too verbose.
Excessive wordiness makes it appear you're putting way too much effort into the exercise. Use as few words as possible. Verbosity, like posting directly after your opponent, will make you look like a loser who has nothing better to do than pour an immense amount of mental energy into a trivial flame war.

Applying these important rules is the key to becoming a top-notch internet sparrer. Before long you will win the praise of your internet friends and be the darling of any web community. You may even soon forget that you have no life beyond the calming, hypnotic whirl of your computer's CPU fans.