When it comes to offering advice to men on how to understand women better, the most important thing for men to realize is that women are not all alike. Just like men, women are individuals. Years ago I read the "...Mars...Venus" book, the way so many people did, and I discovered that the traits attributed most to men more closely matched my own and that many of traits attributed to women were traits men I knew had. Much of the time when men think they "don't understand women" it is more a case of their not understanding the women in their own life or human nature in general.

If I can appoint myself spokesperson for women, however, one thing men (and women) don't understand is that Nature has designed women in a way, and in a society where women are now generally valued equally with men, that requires their overcoming the things that their gender (and the gender of other female animals) often brings out in other people. Depending on how "feminine-looking a woman is, she may have to live a day-to-day life among people who either try to control her, parent her, protect her, or win some argument or struggle over her. Feminine stature and features don't tend, in our culture or others, to be the things that automatically command respect or create an image of power; so strong, intelligent, women can live whole lives without anyone's ever being able to see them for what they are on the inside. This may be why women often need other women as close friends. It is often only other women who understand what its like to live as sometimes invisible people.

Even people who care about a woman may be guilty of not seeing past her appearance and demeanor; so for women, it can feel like being unintentionally "attacked" by even those who care about us.

Men need to try to find a way to separate what they see that makes them assume certain things about women and realize that a woman's appearance may be completely at odds with the person she is on the inside. Women usually like being women and like to dress in a way that they believe makes them their most attractive self, so they may choose feminine clothes rather than try to dress in a way that makes them look like "fake men". They just wish they could be their feminine selves on the outside and have others realize that what they are on the inside may include traits that are completely gender-neutral and not necessarily the province of only men.

Women may feel freer to cry at things like their kids' graduations or movies than many men do, but this is sentimental crying. When it comes to crying in grief women are every bit as likely as men to choose to be dignified and stoic if at all possible.

Women - more than men - are often more skilled at realizing what it takes for a human being to feel happy or what emotional needs children must have met in order to grow up with self-esteem, confidence, and a sense of wholeness. It is said that women lean more in this direction because they are of the gender that usually raises the babies. When it comes to deciding what will be purchased in a family, men, in their often less-than-well-developed understanding of the emotional needs of individuals and families, are more likely to ask if it involves food or shelter. If it doesn't men often see it as frivolous. Women, on the other hand, are more tuned in to the idea that "man does not live by bread alone" (and, further, there may actually be times when man should live by half the bread and use money he saves for something that could help his child feel like he's just like all the other kids, which, while carried to extremes can be too much, in the right doses can actually help keep a child from feeling deprived).

Shopping: Besides the man-does-not-live-by-bread-alone motive for shopping, women may shop because they are unhappy and usually don't drink beer or watch movies for entertainment. Many people resort to shopping because it gives them a little boost when they get something new (men and women). Women probably do this more, but usually their tendency to do this is not so extreme as to make it clear they are unhappy or chonically dissatisfied with themselves or their homes.

Relationships: While most men will tell you there are certain things they wish their partner had in terms of attractiveness, and while most men are fairly free to criticize an awful lot of women who aren't their partners anyway; women feel the same way. The man who sits around on the couch either behind a newspaper or with a beer or both isn't a really appealing guy. If a woman doesn't bother trying to pull this guy out of his hopelessly permanent slump its probably because a) she has given up on him and/or b) he isn't too appealing anyway.

Disagreements and Displays of Temper: When, in a couple, the one who yells is the woman and the one who is quiet is the man people jump to the conclusion that the poor man is henpecked by a horrible shrew of a wife. When it is the man who uses his more powerful sounding voice in yelling while his wife remains silent people often assume the wife is silently listening in respect. In reality, when a woman watches a husband who appears so at the mercy of his own testosterone he is incapable or unwilling to control his temper she may sit in silence, thinking what a weak and immature person her husband is. He may also say things that lead her to see him as unreasonable or cruel, which only leads to her lack of respect for him. I, personally, don't have respect for the woman who yells at her husband either; but I thought I'd address the situation when the man is the offending party because I believe that's the one that is more often interpreted incorrectly.

Women expect men to respect them for putting their children above everyone else, including themselves and their husbands.

Women who choose to stay home to care for their children often do not lack ambition. They sacrifice it for a while and, to some degree, compromise it forever.

Many women find baseball hats on men immature and unappealing and a sign that the man is not very intelligent. Many women find over-developed muscles a sign of too much attention to muscles and not enough attention to building intellect. Many women find men in suits sexier than men in whatever it is men wear that they think makes them sexier to women.

It is a myth that mature, intelligent, well adjusted women like "bad boys" better than gentlemen or nice guys. It is a myth that being a feminist must mean hating all boys and men. It is a myth that women gain weight from eating bon bons and watching soap operas; the reality is women are often the ones who must overcome physical exhaustion and keep going for the kids, their frames and metabolisms don't lend themselves to keeping weight off, and they may use carbohydrates for energy.

Because all women are individuals rather than being in one, big, club in which all members are alike, any man who wants to better understand women only needs to ask a woman about what he doesn't understand. When she answers. if he listens, assumes she knows what she's talking about, and considers that her answer may teach him something not only about her but about all humans, he'll understand women better.