What to do about being overwhelmed by feelings that threaten to drive you inwards and away. A wrestling match between patience and exasperation. I struggle with this more often then I think I should. Yes, I say more often then I should because I do acknowledge there is personal growth in those things that make us struggle. Now is one of those times that I feel that growth forcing itself upon me whether I like it or not. Here is what I am experiencing...

There are so many things that I see in the world around me that are of little meaning yet have significant consequences. I am bombarded with a onslaught of drama that is acted upon the stage of life. It would seem that the people I see in my day to day world as well as what I read in the newspaper and hear on the radio are more concerned with the question why rather then what is. Vague, I know. But I don't want to get caught up in a role-call of examples that, in itself, becomes a part of the meaningless drama that I am ranting about in the first place. I don't care why 'it' is there and I don't care to create a 'movement' or try to act as though the answers to the question 'why' will change the person I am. I only care that I don't turn my back on the people around me, or even the world for that matter, in response to their attention to the deceptive and shiny skins that drama wears well. As a result of that, I am more often shaking my head in short left to right movements while trying not to make eye contact with people around me and muttering under my breath. This is behavior of one who is often labeled as 'not right in the head' yet I seem unable to prevent myself from doing just that. Perhaps I am not right in the head...who knows. After all it is my head that determines what is right and what isn't; A key but the usage of that key is tricky and I have not mastered it as of yet. Getting back to the things that matter, I made the comment there are many things that I see in the world around me that are of little meaning yet have significant consequences. What do I mean by that? What I mean is simply this, I see small matters internalized, discussed with as many others who crave the distraction and search for something to fulfill that craving, which effects changes in social dynamics in that given circle of people, and create strain and stress that are built from negative energy. The original 'small matter' is lost in route during this diversion and the people effected experience abundant misdirection from what things really matter in life and life meaning. In short, there is much energy in creating myth and misconception and little investment in real growth. What is more troubling is there seems to be little interest shown in personal growth at all...no matter which direction I look to. Instead, I see much needless hurting and wasted time rationalizing and the future and present put on hold for the sake of the past. The past is a hungry beast that can not ever be fed enough. Every second lost feeding the past puts us back a second leaving that us forever lagging behind and never allowing us access to the present. It is only in the present that we can discover what really matters. Now, try telling that to someone who is trying to create something out of what is already created. Like creating a tree out of a flower, it doesn't lead to fruition. I feel alone in the moment and no matter how many people are around me, that doesn't change. Thus leaving me with the feeling of being disconnected and giving up on my fellow brothers and sisters. So, what to do? Withdraw or continue moving with the masses despite my obvious dissatisfaction...which is a facial expression that I wear unknowingly that tends to chase off people anyway. I don't know that there is an answer to this question. Perhaps it isn't even a sensible question to ask. I only know that moment by moment I feel unknown and, rightly or wrongly, uninterested in participating in the drama that overlays life.

So that leaves me back into my original position...wondering how I am growing while experiencing this troubling state I am in and trying not to become overwhelmed to the point of becoming absent with the social world around me. Surely I am not alone in this struggle. It may be just a matter of time and what growth I need to experience will happen and things will more comfortably fit together once again. Or maybe I am too focused on comfort in the first place. It may even be simply the lense that I am seeing through and I need only to find a new lense to see the world through. No matter, by putting my frustration in words, the first steps are taken to remaining healthy while still in the moment. Time lives in the moment so it seems time is what I have to give. Peace