I think it all started when I came downstairs this morning. I dumped out the early morning round of coffee before the sister refilled her cup, and made some fresh. It's wasteful, I know, but I don't like coffee brewed hours before I drink it. That got a distinct hmmph from the sister, who caught me red-handed.

 

The bird was getting a cage cleaning, and the grinder upsets him if he happens to be in the kitchen when I use it. The moron started flapping his wings like a hummingbird, and then played dead on the bottom of the cage. The sister freaked out and revived the little troublemaker, threatening all the while to stop buying ground coffee.

 

I sat down to read my emails, and everyone's fine work. The little guy strolled downstairs and told me he was sick. I told him to get away from me. I might have called him a petri dish. He thought I was funny but the sister thought I was giving him a complex by telling him things like that.

 

The nephew blasted in to let us know he's still alive, and just as he did, I lost my trial version of the new and improved Word 2009, which by the way, sucks. I whined long and hard enough for him to take pity on me, and he proceeded to install my old version, that, and I quote, "is almost as stupid as your couch change career". I told him I was dying and to show me a little respect or I'd cut him out of my will. The niece reminded me I'd been telling both of them that for thirty years. God, has it been that long?

 

The little guy wanted me to look at his rash, that, to quote him, "kills". I called him a sissy girl. He laughed, but the sister snarled again. I looked at it and told him I thought it was scabies. He had no clue what scabies was, but he freaked out anyway and the sister said, and I quote, "That's just great. You've just scared the crap out of him", blah, blah, blah. At least the nephew thought it was funny, but then he was on the way out the door.

 

The foul tempered middle child strolled in. I asked her what she is doing home early and she grunted some unintelligible response and stormed upstairs. I felt the need to punish her for being rude, so I told her to clean her room while she's up there. She told me Gram said not to. Huh? Now this is a girl that just last night insisted she was doing fine in school. We cleared that up quickly with a little computer trip to Power School. I told her to clean it anyway because I wasn't the pushover Gram was...just as the sister loomed up in the doorway. I let the subject drop. The middle child snickered, as I glared at her.

 

By this time I needed a little pick me up, so I followed my nose to the kitchen. There sitting on the counter in all its glory was the apple crisp that had been permeating the air for most of the morning. The kitchen was empty. No bird, no kids, no nephew, no sister. I couldn't stand it. I had a huge warm bowlful, topped with ice cream. It was pure heaven.

 

A while later, when the entire family was having lunch in the kitchen, the sister notices the massive void in the apple crisp. The shriek was deafening, followed by a deadly silence. When the sister finally could talk she said, and I quote, "I am going to search each room for the dish that held this, and when I find it, that person will PAY DEARLY!"

 

The middle child had become her manipulative sweet self by this time, and came over to snuggle. Of course she wanted something, a ride to the store. I hugged her tightly, and whispered lovingly that she probably wouldn't be going anywhere. She innocently asked me why, and I replied, and I quote, "Because I put my apple crisp dish in your room."

 

I believe the score is me 1, smart mouth kid zeeeerooooo!