I work hard at doing "nothing". Seinfeld was right. It's not as easy as it sounds. I listen to the weather report to figure out when it might rain. The night before the storm central people predict inclement weather, I move my car out of the garage. It gets washed, and it seems like I have done something.

 

After I have had to pick my feet up a few times so the kid can vacuum under them, I might feel a pang of guilt. I ask the sister where the carpet cleaner might be, go up to my room, relax a little, and come downstairs a while later after doing nothing, huffing and puffing. She tells me I should sit down and catch my breath. By doing nothing, I have convinced my sister I should stop doing anything.

 

I like to take a shower just before the hard workers around here come home for the day. It gives the impression I have been working hard at something all day, when in fact I have done...nothing. When I am called on it, I have learned to mention things that are unverifiable, like the dog escaping and me trudging for hours in the swamp looking for him. I used the attic once, but got outed when the sister asked me how I got up there since she lent the ladder to my ex., but that was early in my nothing crusade. I have since honed my skills in doing nothing.

 

I once lit a cinnamon candle while doing nothing, and the kids came in all excited thinking I had baked cookies. I thought that sounded like a good chore to claim so I told them I had been at it all day, but had taken them to a shelter for the homeless. The oldest doubted me knowing I would have had to walk there as she had used my car. I said "Meals on Wheels". You gotta be quick on your feet around here.

 

I do a lot of "nothing" while complaining about the muscle spasms incurred while trying to change a light bulb or decorate the Christmas tree. My family shudders at the thought of me becoming incapacitated for a prolonged period of time, so they suggest I take it easy for a few days. I hesitantly concur and continue on doing...nothing.

 

"Nothing" in fact means something, because by definition it means "not anything". Well, if nothing is not anything it must be something, so in effect I am always doing "something". This is why I do not look upon my claims of always doing something as a lie.

 

"Nothing" is also defined as "not having quality". I beg to differ. My nothingness has a good amount of quality. Quality nothingness. Yes, I believe I have achieved the pinnacle of something here.

 

The kids have "nothing" backwards, though. When I ask them what they are doing after the downstairs light fixture bounces out of the ceiling, they always say "nothing". Well, nothing being something, they are in fact doing something. Chances are by the sound of it, the "nothing" they are doing would be something they should not be doing, and I realize this immediately. There ain't no flies on me. They need to learn to come up with an answer other than "nothing". It's a dead giveaway.

 

"Nothing" may also be explained as a state of nonexistence. This is by far my favorite definition. I have not yet perfected it, but I practice each day when I hear six words piercing my "nothing" bubble, "Can someone give me a hand?"