As I Sit Here (A Con)

As I sit here

and contemplate, onething most surely comes to mind.

As I lay here, and decimate, the very borders in my mind.

As I wonder, most innocent, why I shouldn't pull the little bar

That they call a trigger; and now I'm staring at the stars.

Glimmering
..
Shimmering.

Looking down at me

Freezing

Shivering

I dream my destiny.

Once such dreams were wonderous

Glamorous and fair.

Now these dreams are nightmares

and I can't help, but despair.

I'm realising slowly,

Just what it meant to me

To be that person I envisioned

And believed myself to be

Now the truth haunts me,

for my guard is down

The voices, they all taunt me

And the one, it takes the crown.

It tells me of my worth

Or very lack thereof

It whispers ever gently

The ease of death by gun

My fingers tremble slightly,

My hands have found a shell

I load the gun, so lightly

I condemn myself to hell

What is there but pain

And cruelty in this world

Who have I

But I

My brain sways and swirls

The thoughts of death

A comfort

One I wish to know

I walk outside, and sit down

My mouth, my words, they flow.

I speak to every god and spirit

That I have ever conceived

I know not what to follow

Nay, nor what to believe.

The cold steel in my palm

The burning in my hand

Would take me ever gladly

To that far and distant land.

and with that thought I suffer

I shall allow the pain no more

In the thought of death

my feelings take their store.

What could I have done

At all, most differently?

Nothing, dare I say

This is how it was meant to be.

I say to all around me,

I loved you all along

'twas when 'twas not returned,

That despair enslaved me; strong.

Now I sit most defiant,

of the breath roosted in my lungs

I speak to the spirits

In all the heathen tounges.

I beg them for forgiveness

of what they are to see

I pull that damned ol' trigger,

And the walls begin to bleed.

The fire of a thousand suns,

burns in every pore

As my eyes roll back to nothing

my very soul implores:

Praying for the end of all

The stopper to the spring;

Hopeing all is ended

And no angels there to sing;

But alas, sweet one of mine

The story continues on

For All life is endless

And god is but a con.