If you’re going to give Aunt Lottie a microphone and put her on stage, then you better be prepared for an eye-opening performance.

“Woo-hoo. Anybody home?” I was in the kitchen, but I recognized that voice.

“Aunt Lottie? rdquo; I walked into the living room where Aunt Lottie was already sprawled on the couch. “I didn’t know you were coming by.”

“I’m going to Wal-Mart. Thought you might like to come along.”

Remember our last drive to Wal-Mart, as much as I love Aunt Lottie, I thought this might be a good time to be busy. “I’m sorry, Aunt Lottie. I’ve already starting baking and can’t leave. Why don’t you hang around with me a while? We can play some cards or something.” I figure the traffic between my house and Wal-Mart would be a lot safer the longer Aunt Lottie stayed at my house.

“Naw, gotta’ go to Wal-Mart to get a few things. Besides, I wanted to get out of the house a while. I was getting cabin fever. Fred’s gone, and I just got bored. That‘s the trouble with men, they ain‘t never around when you need them.”

“Where’s Fred? What’s he doing today?”

“Oh, he’s down at the senior citizen playing dominoes when those old men.”

“I thought you like to go down there. Don’t you still have some friends that go over there?”

“No, they kicked me out. Told me I couldn’t come back,” she replied with a snort.

“Kicked you out?” I asked surprised. “What’d you do?”

“They just said I wasn’t their kind of people. They didn’t like the song I did for the talent show last night.”

“I didn’t know you were in a talent show. I wished you’d have told me. I’d love to have come and watched you. What could you possibly have done that they’d want to ban you from the senior center?”

“I just sang a song and did a little hoochey-coochey dance, and some of them old duds thought is was too much excitement for the old men. Silly bunch of old --”

“Aunt Lottie! What did you sing?” I wasn’t terribly surprised, knowing some of Aunt Lottie’s songs were a little on the risqué side.

“Oh, gal, don’t be raising your eyebrows at me. It wasn’t nothing but the same kind of stuff I’ve been singing for years, you know. I don’t think it was the song so much as how I did it. You know, Pat, I’ve always told you you got to put a little hmmpf in your performance, so I just sort of strolled out into the audience and sang to some of them a little personal like.” She got up and started to show me how she sang the song, touching my arm or back occasionally.

“Well, that doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. Why did that bother anybody?”

“I think it was sitting in Old Man Johnson’s lap that kind of set them off, especially that silly old wife of his. How’d I know she’d get so upset. Looks like she’s appreciate someone kissing that old bald head of his. But hey, it fit the mood. I didn’t think it was big deal, but some of them old bitc -- excuse me, Honey, laaaadies did.”

“Well, you might not should have gone quite that far, Aunt Lottie. You know, not everybody’s been around like you. She was probably a little jealous, you know. I mean, after all you‘re still an attractive woman.”

“I don’t think that’s actually why they asked me to leave, though,” she said with that mischievous look that I knew so well. With a little giggle, she said, “I think it was when I got back up there in front and starting taking my clothes off.” She erupted into laughter.

“Aunt Lottie, you didn’t?” I knew she liked to shock people, but this really caught me off guard.

“No, Honey, I’m just pulling your leg. What good would it be do to show the merchandise to that bunch of old cooters. Even if they could see me, they’ve forgotten what everything looks like.”

She got up again and started to the door. “Well, if you can’t go, then I’m going anyway. I got to go buy some new underwear. I kind of enjoyed getting up and singing again. I think I’ll stop by that new department store over there in the mall, too, and see what kind of fancy underwear they’ve got. After all, they’re having that karaoke thing down at the Blow Fly tomorrow night. Maybe I’ll go check it out.”

“Aunt Lottie, I think it might be a good idea to keep your clothes on when you sing. Mother’s a good friend, but she can only take so much.”

She walked over, gave me a big bear hug, and laughed. “Girl, you worry too much. They won‘t put an old broad like me in jail.”

I wasn’t too sure about that last part, but I figured she must know what she was talking about. After all, she’s stayed out this long.

With that, she was gone again.