Having been  impaired in every way conceivable.  Along with the medication changes, my mixed/mania and ocd are having a rip roaring ride.  Being led around like a dog with family drama.  And the recent the death of a friend by suicide.  It is not the first time one of my friends decided that was the way to go. This was just a little unsettling. I have been a nervous freaking wreck. My psychiatrist gave me permission to take  'extra' ativan.  What makes this hard for me is six months ago my cousin did the exact same thing with the exact same circumstances. My friends weapon of choice was a blast to the face.  As was my cousins. My friend left behind a wife and five kids under 13 years old. As did my cousin.

They both had been depressed on many occasions. Each not wanting to accept  a diagnosis because of the stigma of looking crazy or less manly. Both young men in their mid 30's. Ten children will grow up missing out on a lifetime of knowing the love of a  father because the stigma of mental illness was to heavy a burden to carry.  I have to listen to the ignorance of people say my friend took the EASY way out.  It takes everything I have not to jump on those people and choke the life out of them. And I do not anger easily. But if you think for a minute, how dizzying easy is it to kill yourself?  It isn't. It is anguish. Pure ongoing unrelenting  suffering. You do not just decide  to shoot yourself in the face because you feel like it. But a funeral is not a good place to go off on a tangent now is it?     

So now I have to get it together. It's done, and I just wish  'regular'  people would educate themselves a bit more on mental illness before they opened their mouths and made broad statements. I told another friend of mine  that I was bipolar, and you know what he said?  " I knew there was something wrong with you, I just didn't know what". Well that is great dude. I asked him to clarify. He said I was like those crazy people on TV. But would not say no more. Seriously. One friend for sale, CHEAP! Better yet FREE!  He is cute. I am in anti people mode  now. Unless of course your bipolar or otherwise. Club members only.