The Bonnie & Clyde of teddy-bear hamsters, Bads & Bitters, have apparently triggered complete nervous breakdowns of a nice young couple. A friend sympathetic to the two abandoned beasts has since taken them into custody. However, he soon began to experience sleep deprivation and shredded nerves. Realizing he was going nuts, he sought psychiatric help. The psychiatrist, disregarding his oath to secrecy, has leaked his patient’s story. The tattletale has in effect ratted on Bads & Bitters—

Well-rested from their daily sleep, the nocturnal Bads & Bitters start the night by swinging on large tortilla chips. They then devour them along with avocado slices. After taking their constitutionals in individual marked toilet areas, they speed noisily through the aspen chips of their penthouse cage and shove water holders near their running wheels. They each dive into a wheel and run, run, run as fast as they can— just pausing to slurp water.

Whiz, whiz, whiz!— around go Bads & Bitters, chattering incessantly. Bright sparks spit loud crackles as they shoot out from the wheels. Then, bang, bang, bang!— as loud as caps from a toy gun. All night long— whiz, whiz, whiz, spffft, spffft, spffft, and Bang! Bang! Bang! The household is as ablaze as an amusement park with light, noise, and merriment. Run, Bads! Run, Bitters! Click and chatter, hiss and spit. Run, run, run! Whiz, crackle, BANG!

Update: Unknown to the nice young couple who are still recovering, their sympathetic friend has just posted a notice around town that states— WANTED: Home for two teddy bear hamsters who are as good as gold and as quiet as church mice.