In a strange twist of climate, the season commonly referred to as “winter” has apparently brought un-hot temperatures to much of the Northern hemisphere. It’s a phenomenon that has baffled many scientists here and around the world.

For years it has been assumed that the Earth was going to warm with no sign of relief. But much to the dismay of the new beach bums on Alaska’s North Slope, it seems that “global warming theory” has taken up residence in the town of Thoroughly Debunked – which has seen a population increase aided by Y2K, 9-11 Truth, and President George W. Bush’s “God-damned piece of paper” statement, among others.

The strange event that kicked off this cold streak appears to have started when the Earth reached a certain point in its revolution around the sun. Although most scientists have known about the Earth’s “orbit” for several centuries, they were taken by surprise this year when cold weather patterns consequently followed.

One climate expert explained the changing seasons in a way that “mimicked what usually happens throughout a given day. When the sun is shining bright in the afternoon, it’s warmer than when the sun has yet to rise in the early morning. I guess winter is almost like the late night and early morning of our year. But I’m still not sure exactly how winter was able to get this cold.”

Other baffled scientists say that these extreme temperature shifts may be caused by humans. A climatologist in Norway claims he has discovered a new way for man to cool the planet – which comes as great news for those who were worried about humans having the opposite effect. He believes humans have polluted the air so much that sunlight can no longer penetrate the layer of smog around the planet. Others think his theory is absolute nonsense.

A meteorologist in Colorado tried to explain why we were experiencing successive cold snaps throughout much of the nation by demonstrating to a group of United Nations experts the laws of thermodynamics and the influence of multiple factors – like clouds, precipitation, and ocean currents. During the presentation he was heckled and audible groans could be heard when he mentioned the possibility of record lows in many parts of the country.

After the meeting, one U.N. expert from Russia told a news reporter, “I don’t know about you, but is laughable to conclude that weather can just change overnight or from one month to next. I mean, is not like we can’t predict with great accuracy how much precipitation we’ll get and what the temperature be in Baltimore Thanksgiving next. We’ve been doing for years.”

Another U.N. scientist said, “So many Americans are always coming up with wacky theories about the world. Remember when they claimed that Bill Clinton couldn’t bring peace to the Middle East? Bollocks!”

Just under one month into the winter season, many scientists are panicking and demanding that the government do something about “the worst climate crisis since the Great Extinction.” Some have proposed a stimulus package to spur increased sales of fuel and SUV’s. Others have encouraged support of a ban on refrigeration and air conditioning.

At a rally in the Capitol, a leading proponent of the ban blurted out, “The world is plenty cold as it is! Why should we continue allowing people to make their home colder by using indoor climate-control systems and opening their freezers to get ice-cubes? Enough is enough and we’re not going to take it anymore!”

As the Earth continues on its present course – one which may or may not include revolving around the sun – it may be possible that winter could last forever. Predictions of a new ice age have been heard in other parts of the globe, presumably where it has been much colder and more ominous. It’s been over three decades since such prophecies have been made.

We should all take the time to reflect on what is happening to this planet and what we can do to stop it. It may be the last chance we get before we are entombed in glaciers for our future ancestors of a similar species to study in astonishment.

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