We Americans have a couple of interesting problems. First, we are full of excuses. We know we should exercise, but we’re too busy. We know we should eat well, but healthy food tastes yucky. We know we watch too much TV, but we have too many fines on our library cards so we can’t check out any books. We have excuses for everything.

The other interesting problem is our fascination with celebrities. We couldn’t care less about what’s going on next door, but we just can’t get enough information about what Mary-Kate Olsen ate for lunch yesterday.

So I propose we combine these two problems to create something good because two wrongs make a right, right? It’s called the celebrity diversion excuse, and it goes a little something like this. You’re driving down the road, rocking out to your favorite song and you run a red light. Nanoseconds later, blue and red lights are flashing in your rear view mirror and you get that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach. But don’t panic. Just remember: celebrity diversion excuse.

“What’s seems to be the matter, Officer?”
“You ran a red light back there.”
“Oh. Dear. I’m sorry, Officer, I was just so distracted. Did you see Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise back there? They were fighting up a storm.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Right back there?”
“Yeah. I never thought I’d see Katie Holmes looking so ruffled. I had no idea her voice was that screechy. And Tom Cruise’s face was positively purple.”

At this point the police officer has absolutely no interest in you. He wants to watch the domestic dispute. Maybe he even has his camera on him.

So here’s a list of possible celebrity diversion excuses. I don’t recommend that you actually use them because they are, after all, lies. And lying to people, especially police officers, is wrong. But here they are anyway.

1. I’m sorry I forgot to pick up that (name the grocery item you forgot to buy), but Drew Carey filled his entire cart up with them and there were none left.
2. Whoops. Sorry I’m late. Jerry Seinfeld was directing traffic out on (name local intersection) and boy was he messing things up.
3. I know this haircut is awful, but Liv Tyler was at the salon and she asked if she could try her hand at haircutting, and what could I say?
4. Dad, I’m really sorry about the car. Lindsay Lohan was completely wasted when she ran into me.
5. Gee, (your friend’s name), I’ve got some bad news for you. While you were away and I was taking care of your dog, Paris Hilton came by and asked if I could go for a walk with her and her dog Tinkerbell because she didn’t know the neighborhood and had to take the dog for a walk. I had no idea Chihuahuas like Tinkerbell could bite a bigger dog to death, but that’s what happened. But (your friend’s dog’s name) had the most amazing funeral. You should have seen all the rhinestones on his casket.
6. I ran into Oprah at the bank and she said I should invest in an orphanage in Colombia, and that’s what happened to your money.
7. I’d sure like to pay for my share of dinner, but George Clooney didn’t have any money for his parking meter so I helped him out. He’s a great guy.
8. Normally I’d shave, but Bono was at the health club and he asked to borrow my razor and his stubble was so bad that my razor is now totally dull, and I thought, hey, a little stubble is better than third degree razor burn.
9. I was going to read the book before the test, but Keanu Reeves got to the book at the library exactly at the same time I did and he wanted it because he’s going to base a new version of The Matrix on the plot and so he really needed it, and I didn’t want to be the one responsible for getting in the way of The Matrix.
10. I had my passport with me when I got to the airport, but Amy Winehouse stole it from me.