In a bold move to bolster his presidency and regain popularity with the average American, Pres. George W. Bush Wednesday night announced that his administration had declared Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell to be "enemy combatants." The two will be immediately apprehended and taken to the U.S. detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The ongoing public feud between the windbag real-estate mogul and the hyper-chatty actress/TV show host had been at the top of surveys of issues that are troubling Americans. The concern over this issue has been shown to cut across all social, ethnic, and income groups.

Bush was widely expected to use the prime-time speech to announce an increase in U.S. troops to be sent to Iraq, but in fact the president did not mention Iraq at all. Instead, he focused on the importance of the detention of Trump and O'Donnell in the ongoing GWOT (global war on terror).

"The American people yearn for security, prosperity, and above all, peace," Bush said in his Oval Office address. "This new step will help bring peace to our society and to our airwaves," he added.

The new policy immediately raised red flags in the human rights community. Both Amnesty International and the International Committee for the Red Cross expressed concern that the move was the latest U.S. attempt to violate the Geneva Standards and punish other detainees at Guantanamo Bay. "If the Guantanamo commanders were to take action against uncooperative prisoners by placing them in a fenced-in cell next to The Donald or Ms. O'Donnell, most reasonable people would agree that that is tantamount to torture," noted ICRC spokeswoman Bronwyn Higginbottom.

The White House had no comment on this accusation. But an unnamed source in the Bush administration confirmed that Gitmo commanders had had success in "softening up" uncooperative detainees by forcing them to watch an endless loop videotape showing reruns of O'Donnell's TV show, "The View."

In fact, an ICRC survey of detainees found that 65% of prisoners would rather be forced to participate in a naked human pyramid with other prisoners than to watch the morning TV talk show. "No BaBa WaWa! No BaBa WaWa!" one Gitmo prisoner was heard to shout while covering his ears in front of a TV set, referring to one of O'Donnell's co-hosts, veteran newswoman Barbara Walters.

Members of both major U.S. political parties were said to be reviewing the implications of the President's decision and were unavailable for comment.