The State of California is considering legislation that will prohibit parents from spanking a child three years of age or under. Violators face a potential sentence of a year in jail and a $1,000 fine.
(source: MercuryNews.com, February 1, 2007)

This reporter has learned the following enforcment provisions are under consideration:
For starters, it will plant surveillance systems on every house in the state with kids under three and if visually or aurally incriminating evidence arises, a SWAT team will fly over and smash the front door down. It might crush the same three year-old as it storms the house, but at least he’ll be safe from further spanking.

Another enforcement provision will be camera implants in all parents' foreheads so that if they turn to spank their kids, the state will see it on their monitors and send the SWAT team back. As an added safety measure, the State will mandate that touch sensors be implanted in every three-or-under butt in the state. Actually it would mean two per butt (one per cheek).

The State is taking this issue very seriously. There will have to be some compromises in privacy for the greater public good. Those forehead cameras must provide visual access at all times. However, State officials want to reassure the public that the State will keep intimate and private moments confidential. They've assured us that you can trust the state.

Because the State will need everyone’s cooperation in maintaining visual access, there will be regulation of hairstyles. All adults with children under three will be required to have no hair hanging below the hairline. This will be enforced through required appointments with the State Barber Bureau. Every two weeks, every parent will have a mandatory appointment for a tonsorial adjustment.

Parents will be required to accompany their three-and-children to mandatory sensor testing at the California State Buttock Protection Agency. Once a month, sensors will be tested with an automated spanking device that will require each child to be restrained and paddled four times at a force of 50 psi. Because testing is necessary to ensure remote safety of children, the Buttock Protection Agency is not subject to the provisions of the law.

These safety devices and surveillance systems will be installed in all covered persons at no cost. Installation is mandatory. During the three-year period per child, the Buttock Protection Agency is mandated to make unannounced random inspections at all covered households.

In order to realize budget savings, all adults with covered children will be required to retain their visual implants until it they can provide medical proof that they no longer have child-bearing capabilities.

Upon proof of attaining three years of age, the law will permit the removal of sensors from children. For additional budget savings, families will be responsible for the cost of implant and surveillance system removals upon expiration of mandated coverage.

Other states are watching California closely to see if they should introduce similar legislation.

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