Cancelling Your Life Insurance Could be a Form of Abuse

A recent guest on Oprah’s show told the story of how her abusive husband cancelled a life insurance policy on his life three months before he committed suicide. She had not worked in 12 years, knew nothing about their finances, and had three children still at home. The day after his death she discovered she did not even have enough money to buy groceries. This was after she had called the insurance company and learned he had terminated his coverage.
She told the viewers she had been an abused wife for years but no one knew it. When asked why she stayed with him her response was the typical one you usually hear. The children, no place to go, feeling she could not make it on her own, afraid of what he would do if she left, and not having any of her own money. Suze Orman, a well known financial expert was also on the show. In her opinion, the two biggest mistakes this woman made was not knowing anything about the household finances and not having any money of her own.
After the death of her husband, she discovered he had been living a life she knew nothing about. He had maxed out all of their credit and spent all of their savings. During the marriage he had given her money when he thought she needed it but he paid all the bills. She did not even know how much her house payment was. After his death she was responsible for paying off debts she never knew existed. As is typical with many abused women her husband gave her everything she wanted. That is one of the ways abusive offenders control their victims.
It is so easy for those of us not in that kind of situation to give advice but it is much harder for the abused person to take action. Suze recommended that women become more involved in the families finances. Even if the husband pays the bills the wife needs to be more assertive. Sometimes our partners do have lives that we don’t know about but I think in many of these situations there are warning signs. Women have excellent intuition. Many times we sense something is wrong but then refuse to do anything about it because of our insecurities.
Suze also recommended that married women put away a small amount of money each week in an emergency fund. The implication was that she does this without her husband’s knowledge. To some viewers this may have sounded deceitful. This is a complex issue, I know, and can be debated from both sides.
In an ideal marriage both parties’ interests and needs would be met. And sometimes that happens. But many times it doesn’t. An open way for a wife to handle the money situation would be to just let her husband know she has opened an account of her own. For the abused wife that would be when he slapped her against the wall. In abuse situations only the abuser is in control and makes the decisions. She would have to open an account without his knowledge with money he knew nothing about, perhaps from babysitting children in the neighborhood.
In my generation I was taught that my husband would take care of me. In a sick kind of way, I think men who control and abuse their wives believe they are taking care of them. The Oprah guest acknowledged that she was being well taken care of but the abuse was part of that care.
My own personal experience with the men in my life is they did not do a very good job of taking care of me. Perhaps I am partly at fault in that I did choose my partners. Many years ago my first husband told me I did not make him happy. It took me many years to learn I was not responsible for anyone’s happiness but my own. As I get older I have come to believe that in addition to creating my own happiness, I also have to take care of myself.
In one of my former jobs, I sold life insurance. I learned there is an owner in addition to the insured on every policy. The owner is the one with the control and is usually the one that pays the premium. I often advised women to own their husbands policies just in case they divorced or for some other reason he decided to drop the coverage. Especially women with young children. What the abuser did to the Oprah guest was his final act of abuse. He was controlling her even from the grave.
Abuse is a terrible plague worldwide. Domestic violence is just one way it manifests. It will not stop until we have decided as a society that we will no longer tolerate this. My fear is that we are going backwards. The 2009 federal budget includes drastic cuts in this area. Some have said this will be the year for women. It is now time for us to take a stand against abuse. A relationship should be a partnership, not a dictatorship.If the Oprah guest had had that kind of marriage she would have had no reason to appear on the Oprah Show.
For more information on abuse see www.whentiesbreak.com