Sometimes in order to do the right thing, you have to break your own heart.

I don't know what happened.

The entire thing with Alex was a big disappointment at the time, but I'm never surprised when I set myself up like that. It's better when I notice potential disappointment ahead of time, but this almost came out of the blue. Okay, maybe not so much. The thing that really surprised me was that I wasn't as special to him as he was to me. Okay, I was special to him, but not in the same way? I don't know. I still don't understand it entirely.

I never understand anything to do with love. It seems anymore that it's something I was never meant to understand. I get that now.

My love life has become such a negative repeating pattern that it's sort of turned into a joke now. After years of being alone, I finally have a real boyfriend. Sort of. I've had the chance the past seven months to be with my dream guy. Seven months. That's the better part of a year. He's wonderful. I'm wonderful. We're all fucking wonderful. But, it's nothing. There's love between us, but there's not.

There's nothing unspoken about the way he touches or looks at me anymore. You can say someone's wonderful so many times until that person gets sick of hearing you speak. A relationship is supposed to evolve, but this one seems to be less of a relationship every month I consider breaking it off.

I am so tired of being ignored. So tired of feeling like I'm the one who's not enough. I'm better than letting someone make me feel that way.

So, I don't know what I was thinking with Alex. I guess it's easier to be in love with someone who was untouchable than having to face my own reality.

I wish he would have heard the silences between breaths when I was touching him. The silences that everyone but him heard. They were meant to speak to him, but I guess he didn't get that I never really looked at anyone else the way that I did him.

Why does this even matter anymore?

My tears are so ridiculous. That part of life is gone, right? Sometimes I think I would die just to live suspended in that moment where I believed that he was speaking to me, too.

I got really depressed. I cried and cried because it would never be enough to say that I'd fallen in love with him. It wasn't just I like you or I want to go on a date. It was, I love you deeply and if I don't leave now, you will destroy me.

It wasn't just how I felt about Alex. There was another guy that this was about.

There was a guy that I had fallen so severely in love with months before. So severely that just the existence of him anymore rarely makes me want to breathe. And, even worse than that is finding out that your love was a complete lie. He lied to me and said he moved away. Everything about him and his life was a lie. But, it's not enough that you broke my heart several times. Now you have to come back and deny the truth.

I found out the truth on my own. Don't insult my life by making up some new ones.

That situation comes to mind when I hear this song by Nine Inch Nails:

Only

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad

I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only
Only

Yet again, I get depressed and make these foolish mistakes.

Alex and I had some insignificant fight and that night I made a decision to move back home. I didn't tell him for a couple of days because I knew it would hurt him. It hurt him and a lot of other people. Isn't it amazing how you can have all the love in the world and not even know it?

I'd give anything to be able to feel all that again.

It tears me apart to remember all of this.

A year ago, I was fun, creative, interesting, smart, loved, and somewhat happy. Today? I'm alone, miserable, too busy to be myself, isolated, angry...etc.

It's insane how things change without even noticing it. It just affects you a little bit at a time so that you can handle it.

The night before I left Arizona, I had one last party. I asked Alex to sleep with me (the innocent kind of sleep) and he stayed with me. The next day was a nightmare. I cried so fucking hard that right now I have no idea how I actually made myself leave. But, I did leave. And, here I am nine months later crying and writing about it. Like, it should matter.

Though, I think no matter what I do, I ended up breaking my heart anyway.

Life goes on.