1. Rape is about men wanting sex.

I think the majority of misunderstandings about rape stem from this idea. No matter how often it's repeated, people fail to realize that rape is an act of violence, not an act of normal sexuality. I don't care how you define what sex is or should be, I think we can all agree that it is an intensely intimate joining. Forcing that intimacy changes the entire nature of the act into a violation - it's normal for men to want sex, but wanting it with an unwilling partner is a completely different animal.

Rape is not something that happens because a man gets aroused and can't control himself. It's not a normal temptation that all men face. It's something that happens because he's the sort of person who gets off on power, control, and the suffering of another human being.

2. If a women gives clear signals to a man that she wants to have sex with them, it's okay for him to rape her if she changes her mind.

Honestly, I don't even know how people justify this one. Even setting aside the fact that “clear signals” are utterly in the eye of the beholder, why is it such a radical concept that a woman has a right to control what happens with her own body?

The only reason this sort of nonsense is ever justified by anyone is that too many men let themselves believe that they have some degree of entitlement to women's bodies – and that any women who denies a man this “right” really ought to be put pack in her place.

3. It's not “victim blaming” to point out that if a women places herself at risk (by dressing in skimpy clothes, being in dangerous places alone, drinking, etc.), it's her own fault if she gets raped.

I love how often people say they “aren't blaming the victim,” but “she was responsible if...” “it was her fault if...” etc. Hmm...

Allow me to let you in on a little secret, here, language aficionados: when you use synonyms for the word “blame,” in this way, you're actually still blaming her. (I know, you thought you were being all clever.)

It's the same if you say she's “placing herself in danger.” Last I checked, rape victims don't do anything to create the danger of being raped – that's all up to the rapists. How about we talk about them? They're human beings, you know, with choices and consciousness and everything.

Oh, and you've got to love the “skimpy clothes make men rape,” argument. I got this one from a male friend recently. I asked him, if that was the case, how long did my skirt need to be to keep him from uncontrollably raping me? After all, he is a man.

4. If she didn't scream loud enough or fight back enough, it wasn't rape.

This man obviously wasn't really mugged because he didn't punch his attacker in the face. This family obviously wanted to be terrorized by a home invasion because they didn't even try to hog-tie the burglars. This prisoner couldn't have been tortured because the escape attempt he mounted was clearly only half-hearted.

Next question.

5. If she's had sex with him in the past, it's okay for him to rape her.

Can you spell, “entitlement,” boys and girls? We don't often question the right of individuals to freely associate away from relationships, people, jobs, social situations, places, etc., that they no longer wish to be associated with. What possible reason is there to take this right away from women when it comes to former sex partners, except for a belief that women are playthings and property?

6. If they're married, it can't be rape.

A lot of people get confused about this issue because they think it's a question of whether or not married men have a right to expect sex as part of a marriage. It's not. Rape is violence, and spousal rape is a form of domestic abuse. Men who rape their wives don't do it because they're hungry for sex, they do it because they're hungry for the thrill they get from controlling, hurting, violating, and terrorizing another human being.

7. The fact that so many women fantasize about rape means they really want to be raped.

Yes, rape fantasies are quite common. But fantasies, as we all know, are less than logical, and rape is often misunderstood. To many imaginations, both male and female, the fantasy of rape represents freedom from the shame we are taught to feel about taking control of our sexuality. Yet at the same time, rape fantasies, unlike real rape, are actually utterly in the control of the “victim” - they are perfect, custom-designed sexual encounters, but with an illusion of relief from responsibility.

As a comparison, how often do we imagine ourselves, in childhood or adulthood, as the heroes of great dangerous and death-defying adventure stories? In reality, similar situations are actually traumatic!

8. If she enjoys it, it's not rape.

First of all, women don't “enjoy” being raped. What this myth actually refers to is a situation in which a woman is being raped and experiences physical arousal; rape apologists claim this is a sign that she really wanted the rape to happen.

In truth, physical arousal can happen spontaneously and in defiance of our real wishes and desires. Arousal can happen in response to sexual stimulation, anxiety, or even asphyxiation (as evidenced by male hanging victims who often experience erection and orgasm even while suffocating to death). Nature is just weird sometimes.

9. Rape is a compliment to a woman's attractiveness.

This goes back to the “rape is about sex” misconception. Statistically speaking, women of all ages (and I do mean “all”) have been rape victims, and since height, weight, size, shape, and attractiveness have no influence on whether a person can be terrorized, rapists often don't care.

This myth is not only responsible for women feeling that they have no right to complain about their rape (that they should somehow be “grateful,”) but for other rape victims not having their stories believed (“He wouldn't rape you, you're not pretty enough!”)

10. If everyone knows she's a slut, she can't be raped.

Here we go with entitlement again. We would never consider a man with a diverse sexual history to be “fair game” for anyone who wanted to use his body sexually, so why should we apply this standard to women?

11. If she has a relationship with her attacker, it isn't rape.

I believe this myth is founded in the idea that no one would rape someone they are familiar with. However, most rapes are committed by someone the victim knows, because in many cases, it is this familiarity and the violation of trust which make up a substantial part of the thrill for the rapist (as well as providing opportunity). Having a relationship with the victim also helps insure safety from prosecution, as it turns the question of consent and guilt into a he said/she said situation.

12. There's such a thing as "gray rape."

The concept of “gray rape” is a relatively new myth, one that was started by a writer for a prominent women's magazine. It refers to situations in which two people start to explore physical intimacy, but one partner wants to stop short of sex but is forced into it anyway. Situations like this are usually referred to as “date rape,” but the term “gray rape” has been coined to imply that somehow, it isn't “real” rape. Why not? Don't ask me.

12. If he talks her into doing something she doesn't want to do, that's rape.

What, is he supposed to be psychic?

Look, if we are going to respect women's authority over our own bodies to say “no,” we must expect that women have responsibility when we say “yes.” Talking is not coercion (unless it involves threats, blackmail, etc.), and coercion is a requirement for rape.

13. If she's had anything to drink, it's rape.

It's pretty safe to call it rape if she's too drunk to be conscious, or to know what's going on, and many rapes are committed under these circumstances. Awareness of this issue has lead to a lot of unnecessary paranoia around the idea that any amount of intoxication makes legitimate consent impossible.

Yes, alcohol does cause the lowering of inhibitions and can make us do things we'll later regret, but it can also encourage us to do things we'll later be glad we did. It can be wise to say “no” to someone who's interested in sex because of alcohol consumption, but not because they are unable to give consent. She may not be sober enough to drive, but if she's sober enough to give clear, enthusiastic consent and to participate in sex, then her actions remain her responsibility.

14. It's impossible for women to sexually assault men.

If you pay attention to the news, you'll find that there are, in fact, recorded cases of women sexually assaulting men, in both statutory adult/minor and adult/adult circumstances. Rarer though these crimes may be, they tell us something vital about gender relations and the type of entitlement that a female rapist feels towards a man or boy's body. Whereas male rapists may have internalized the idea that women are objects to be used and dominated, a female rapist's sense of justification perhaps comes from the idea that men are not allowed to deny women sex and must perform on demand. This same social pressure places a stigma on males who are victims of female-perpetrated sexual assault and blames the victim, not necessarily for the crime itself, but for considering the act a crime at all.

15. Women cannot withdraw consent after the start of sex. If a man continues after she's told him to stop, it's not rape.

This myth was recently upheld – then shot down – in the court systems of the state of Maryland. This is another case of people confusing matters of sexual etiquette with matters of sex crimes and consent; the argument I've heard in favor of this idea is usually a bunch of nonsense about how it's “not nice for a woman to leave a guy hanging.”

No, it's not nice. In theory, it's also not nice to invite people over to a dinner party at your house and then tell them to leave without serving them any food. Yet we haven't used this justification to try to make laws interfering with someone's right to decide when guests are and are not allowed in their own home. So why has our society even entertained the absurd notion that we can limit a woman's right to decide the same things about her own body?

16. Most rape accusations are false.

When I started seeing and hearing this myth floating around in discussions, I couldn't, at first, figure out where it was coming from. Eventually, however, the people perpetuating it started citing courtroom statistics about the low percentages of rape accusations resulting in convictions, and I realized how many people have a fundamental misunderstanding about how our legal system works.

It is true that rape is a very difficult crime to prove in a court of law. This is because proving rape rather than consensual sex can require proof of intention. Also, in recent years, juries have been so influenced by popular forensics-based TV dramas (such as CSI) that they expect to see hard physical evidence and often will not convict if they don't.

This, combined with the many myths about rape and rape victims, means that less than 29% of rape charges result in conviction. This, however, does NOT mean that the accused rapists have been in any way “proven innocent.” It only means that juries find that there is insufficient evidence to convict them.

This does not, of course, mean that false accusations never happen. But to those who believe that there is an epidemic of fake charges being brought against men by women, I would urge you to take a good, hard look at the realities of shame and blame that rape victims have to face and ask yourself, “How likely is it, really, that many woman would want to fake this?”