“Captain Black Adder? There’s a terrible line on me end… You are to advance on the enemy at once!”
“Who was that sir?”
“Just the captain. Apparently he has a terrible lion up his end, so there’s an advantage to an enema at once.”

Miscommunication, Innuendo, the wrong context. Some of the best jokes I’ve ever heard have come out of people just talking. A lot of the time, they weren’t even aware that they where making a joke. So this article is dedicated to the funniest lines to come out of human mouths, cross our airwaves, or be immortalized in print. Let’s go!

Now, if he’d just said “Mister” first…
http://s4.tinypic.com/34dlb7q.jpg
This one’s been around quite a while, an actual event that occurred on Ansett Australia aircraft, that involved some unfortunate seating arrangements, and impolite flight attendant, a guy named Gay, and a small rebellion. Check it out.

I think what I find funniest about this isn’t the event itself, but the fact that such an unlikely string of events led to this. I can’t find any implication that this is false though, and so I can quite happily say that a planeload full of people have one hell of a funny story to tell their grandkids (assuming they adopt).

This is to complaints what ‘the story of the Vivian Girls’ is to novels.
http://www.gadling.com/2007/06/28/hilarious-hand-written-airline-complaint/
When you write a complaint, what do you do? Maybe scribble a quick line like “The food was served cold”, or “It’s too expensive.” Or maybe even “Was cut with baking powder, was promised 100% pure”. However long you’ve written your complaints, I’m sure it pales in comparison to this lady, who saw it fit to not only include an almost poetic level of elegance and imagery into her complaint, but also included diagrams. Yes, a complaint, complete with DIAGRAMS.

What is it that makes this so funny? Well for one fact she’s basically just whining about a crap seat on an airplane. I mean okay, if she’s been manhandled by the government or her bank’s done her out of a few quid, that warrants a letter. But the smell from the toilet, and passengers with arses in your face? That can be summed up with: “Horrible smell coming from the toilet, invasion of personal space every time said facility was used. Would refuse this seat again if ever given it.” Maybe she should write for a living…

The lighthouse and the aircraft carrier.
Now, before everyone spams the comments box with “This one’s a fake!” I’d like to point something out. This one’s a fake (first!). It’s an internet hoax that’s been played a few times, and has been done many times before that. This joke is probably about as old as ships and lighthouses are. It goes something like this:

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse, over...

See what I mean? It may be fake, but it’s still hilarious. Thanks to Chinese whispers, the exact format has changed a fair amount, probably indicating that it is most certainly a hoax as no original exists. Saying that I have seen image files of it in convincing print, but personally I don’t think it actually happened. And I’m aware snopes disproved it, but people put too much faith in snopes rather than finding things out for themselves.

Bushisms.
Watching George ‘Dubya’ Bush deliver a speech isn’t exactly the most thrilling of events. Napoleon once said “A man does not have himself killed for half pence a day or a petty distinction, you must speak to the soul in order to electrify him.” Dubya probably couldn’t generate an equivalent charge to a nine volt battery. But still, I should be thankful to him as he’s provided me with the closing pieces for this article.

Bushisms. Oh stop sniggering you pervert. A bushism is quite simply when you say something with wrong. Not wrong as in incorrect, but wrong as in incorrect grammar or some other issue. It can also simply mean running over your words, or a slip of the tongue that makes you sound like a prat. They are of course, named after good ole’ Dubya, who seems to make at least three every day before lunch.
Here’s a few examples:

I think MS office’s squiggly green line was MADE for this guy.

There are plenty of sites out there dedicated to the Bushism, and you can find them by simply putting “Bushism” into Google.

A Personal tale
To protect his identity, I shall call my friend Tim. Now, me and Tim where drinking in a pub (as I often do) in Wales (Where I live). Now, Tim quite likes the barmaid, and notices that she has a strong Welsh accent, and speaks Welsh to most of the customers. Determined to make a good impression, Tim decides he will ask for his next drink in Welsh, however he doesn’t speak a word of it.

“No Sweat!” Says I.
“Just go up to her and say “Gai’i un beint o pepsi a rhew plis. Then when she gives it to you, say “Diolch.”
(What I said translates to: can I have one pint of pepsi with ice please? Thank you.)

He doesn’t even try to repeat it to me first, or even question it. He walks, tall and proud to the bar. He puts his forearm onto it and leans forward, smiling innately. And from his lips usher forth, “Gai I un beint o pepsi a rhyw plis?” Almost, flawless, except for one little mistake. Can you spot it?

In welsh, the difference of an e and a y, can mean the difference between asking for ice, and asking for sex.

Well at least he was being honest.

-Evis T.
http://www.xomba.com/user/evis_t