Hello world. Welcome to day 11 of, "The Battle Within." I am proud to say that I am drug free today, but I am kind of cross because I don't have any cigarettes. I only thought about getting high once. It was a thought that only lasted a few seconds.

Besides the drug problem I had a problem thinking about having sex with my oldest daughter. I had a woody for two hours. I kept trying to block the thoughts out of my head. I remembered that I didn't take my medicine which is suppose to help me go straight to sleep at night, so I took that, and went to sleep.

My oldest woke me this morning, looking for change on my dresser, before she went to work. Then I went back to sleep. My sister called me and woke me up, around one. She wanted me to come help her email her paper to some online school that she is going to, to be a Medical Assistant.

I did do something bad last night. I emailed my oldest daughter a nasty email telling her how bad I want her. That's probably why I had a woody all night, because my mind was on that. I used a fake name. I am awaiting to see what her reply is going to be once she reads the email. I am not going to follow through having sex with her because it's not right. I don't even know why I sent her that email. I don't know why I keep fantasizing about having sex with her. It was wrong for me to send her that email. And it's wrong to be thinking like that.

Last night I was thinking about cutting my penis off. I kept wondering how I was going to be able to pee without it, then I thought that maybe I should ask my psychiatrist about getting my penis cut off or having an operation that will prevent me from getting a hard on. I think that I would still be able to get into heaven if I do that. Shoot my wife claims that she's not going to be having sex in a couple more years anyway because she's getting old, and I feel like I'm still in my twenties. I'm too sexually active. I'll fuck anything. Shoot I was watching some channel on televison last night and saw a giraffe. The first thing that went through my mind was, I'll fuck that. Thern I said, sike. But you get what I am saying don't you? I can't stop thinking about having sex and coming. It use to be like that about performing oral sex on a woman. I use to like doing it so much, all I could think about was eating my wife out. The only reason why I don't think like that any more is because my wife doesn't like getting ate out, and so we haven't done that in a long time.

I would make some disclaimers on why I think and act like this, but like one of my readers said in so many words, "it's like I am making excuses for doing and saying what I do." And I am not making any excuses because there are none. That's just the way I am, and I am trying my damnest to do the right thing.

I said I was going to stop smoking cigaretts. Well I had two today. I feel like it's going to be harder for me to stop smoking cigarettes more than it is to stop smoking drugs, and having sex. What ever the case may be, I am working on it. I have bben having some strong anxiety attacks since last night. It may be because I haven't been taking my medicine correctly. I haven't been taking it right because they didn't prescribe me enough to last me until my next appointment. I have had thoughts of dying and commiting suicide also.

You have been reading day 11 of,"The Battle Within."