Hello world, and welcome to day six, seven and eight of, "The Battle Within". The reason why I am doing three days in one is because my computer or my AOL connection, or both had a serious problem. You just don't know how much I was stressing the fact that I couldn't blog.

On wednsday I didn't get high. But, I wanted to. I had made another promise that I wouldn't, and I stuck to it. I listened to two CD's that I was suppose to review for a magazine company. I also read a few versus of Psalms. I had plans to make love to my wife but she looked so tired from work, I didn't bother her. I made my mind up to wait another day to get my freak on.

I forgot to mention on wendsday my oldest daughter and I talked about how she knew if a man liked her. I brought the conversation up for two reasons. One was because she is obsessed with having a male friend, and she has been sexually active since she was sixteen. She has talked to me about how well off each guy was, and that one of them performed oral sex on her after coming inside her. She explained it so much in detail, I got a woody. Anyway that has been almost a year ago. You see, I know she is a freak. I can tell by the way she dresses (provacative), her exotic details in her diary, and plus I caught her in a car riding some dude she met for the first time. She has also had more sexual partners in her last two years of high school than I have had in my entire teenage days. And, I was a player. The second reason why I brought the conversation up is a real devilish reason but to be honest I wanted to see if she is freaky as I am and if she would get so into the conversation enough to get out of her clothes. I went as far as asking her what if a guy said he didn't want to have sex with you but just wanted to perform oral sex on her, and she said that he is a freak and she wouldn't but the more we talked she got more and more interested. I was getting a woody, then all of a sudden I thought about what I was doing and before I said anything to incriminate myself I told her she better go pick our niece up from school. I never brought the conversation up again.

I had to tell you about my thoughts of having sex with my daughter because I do have those thoughts. I have never attempted to touch them in any shape, form or fashion. But I do have them thoughts. I guess because I was sexually abused by my aunt when I was young. Plus I was having sex in church with one of the sunday school teachers. I know that you might think that something bad is going to happen but I assure you it's not going as far as my blog. I am not a pedifier, a rapist or whatever you want to call it. I will never touch my daughters or any child but I can't lie to you and say that I have never seen their P prints and said dam that thang is fat, or that I have never seen so much clevage to get a woody. That's why I am hard on them because sometimes they do dress hoochie and sit unlady like around men. Plus they are beautiful. You can ask them for yourselves, and they would tell you that I have never came to them or touch them in any unlawful way.

This is why I have came up with, "The Battle Within", because not only am I bipolar, but I have all kinds of crazy thoughts. Some I act on and some I don't. Instead of commiting incest or rap, I will commit adultery with some fine big booty female 18 or over. That's why I am always becking at my wife for some. She says that when she gets fifty she's through having sex. That's eight more years from now. I say, she's crazy. We should do it at least once a week. I hope that never happens because I would probably have me a young mistress and bare some more kids. Adultery. Another way of getting in hell.

It's been two to three years since I have commited adultery, and my wife knows about it. I promised than never to do it again. And I haven't. I came close but I haven't.

On thursday I held out all day, from smoking crack, until it was time to go pick my daughter up from work. It was her payday and something kept telling me that I could get some money out of her when she gives me gas money to put in my sisters car. And that's what I did. I pocketed five dollars out of the twenty she gave me, and purchased me a knickle. My wife kept saying that she saw me put fifteen dollars in the gas tank, but I told her the pump cut off at five dollars, and the attendant cut it back on. I wish you could feel how ashamed I felt. Something told me then, that if I keep on sneaking around, and skeeming, and scamming to get high that I was going to get caught sooner or later. I'm lucky I only smoked a knickle worth. Because my wife gave me some, and usually when your high off of crack or blow, your little buddy dosen't rise to the occassion. It just so happens that my buddy was ready to please, and so we did, but I had to wait until three in the morning, when the kids were sound asleep, and my wife had tooken her usual nap.

Today, I feel a lot better. I didn't use. I didn't even sweat it, but I did get a little jittery after going to the store for a loose cig, and bumped into one of the neighborhood dope boys. He asked me about the ten I owe him from Wendsday and some how I played it off, by saying my boss hadn't paid me yet. Then he said that he's not worried about that. He really wants to know when I get my Supplemental Security Income check. I told him that I was still waiting for my lump sum. I will be glad when it does come, so I can pay off all of my debts, and move.

I really hope to get my lump sum this month; At least by Christmas, so that I can buy something for my kids for the holidays. And, then again I dread the day it comes because I don't function well when I have a lot of money. You see I be having ideas that I can pay my debts off, and then purchase me something, and that's it. Just by talking about it, to you makes my stomach upset.

You know, sometimes I wonder if I was born addicted, if my relatives giving me drugs, and alcohol as a child is why I have a drug problem, or are my nerves messed up because I was burned at five, over 75 percent of my body. I don't know. But, I do know that when my nerves get bad, I have a bowel movement. I also grit my teeth a lot but that could come from my years of drug use. Then maybe not. I remember having a problem gritting my teeth when I was hospitalized for third degree burns. I also pheen for cigarettes real bad. I have had two loose ones today but I am pheening for one now. I have to go pick my daughter up around nine. Maybe I can get a quarter for a cig, then. If not, the point is that I need to quit smoking cigarettes as well as quit doing drugs.

Well today is almost over, and so far I have been sober. I'm not going to get high today or tonight, I promise yall that. I hope tommorrow I can be sober too. Most likely I will make it til monday, because my wife and kids will be home with me all weekend.

My wife, and my baby girl went to go pick my oldest daughter up from work. When me and my daughter walked over to my sisters apartment, my daughter found ten dollars. She gave it to me, and immediately I started thinking that now I could buy some dope to smoke. Then again I thought that that would be wrong, espeacially since my daughter found the money, it was rightfully hers. I told her we could split it. I get five and she get five. I bought me a pack of Kool Filter Kings and saved my change, and gave my daughter her five.

I was also thinking that God is trying me to see if I was going to buy some dope with the money or not. Well, I didn't. And I feel good about it.

After reading today's blog you might say that this man is sick. I say that I am not. Just because I think strange and have done a few strange things like smoke crack and committed adultery (that's it), I am not sick at all. I have said it before, and I am going to say it again. I feel like everyone goes through what I go through or something similar. Some people act, or react, and commit a deadly sin. For, example, murder, rape, robbery, violence, etc. I thank God that I haven't gone that far yet and I am seekin his help daily to ensure that I don't get that far, thus calling my days on earth,"The Battle Within".