Dear Mia,

I am having problems with my boyfriend and my family. Everyone is acting really strange around me. Whenever I ask my boyfriend (he’s a doctor!) a question, he stares off in to the distance and says, “Look, I have to tell you something” but then his pager goes off and he rushes off to the hospital. We have never had a complete conversation.

The same goes for my family. When I ask my mom any family history questions, she becomes quite rattled and then hastily leaves for yet another charity event that she’s hosting. It’s difficult for me to speak to my sister as she’s in and out of rehab and my only half-brother is in the middle of an affair with the sister of my best friend’s cousin! Even my father is too busy with his multi-million dollar company to notice me.

How can I get the ones I love to give me straight answers? Why do they all gaze off in to the distance while they're thinking? And why does violin music play every time I need to discuss something serious?

Signed,

Confused in Port Charles

Dear Confused,

Sometimes a person is too close to a situation to be objective about what’s really going on. I’m sorry to have to break this to you, but it looks like you’re trapped in a soap opera. No…I really mean it, I think you’re stuck in an episode of General Hospital. I’m not sure how you crossed over in to the parallel universe but one way to make sure you’re really in Port Charles is to ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do the men’s shirts blow open all the time and reveal perfect pecks?

2. Is there always a fancy black-tie/evening gown event and inevitably the lights go out and someone is murdered?

3. Does everyone in town have exotic names like Pilar, Isabella or Lujack?

Unfortunately, answering yes to any of the questions is a good indication that you are indeed stuck in a daytime drama series. Since I’m not sure how you can escape, my advice for you is to go with the flow. Enjoy the towncars and fancy set decor. Embrace the muddled family tree the writers gave you and celebrate the constant drama that is your life. Most of all, revel in all of the gorgeous outfits that are supplied by ABC to make all of us viewers jealous that we don’t have Prada purses or Gucci glasses.

Forever a fan,

Mia