Dear Mom, I'm a Phone Ho!
Dear Mom, I'm a Phone Ho!
Christmas comes but once a year but doggone it, it sure eats a hole in my bank account. I love Christmas and enjoy the planning and purchasing and wrapping of all the gifts to my friends and family. The best part is watching their face as they open the gifts. Everyone loves to get a gift. I love to give, but money was going to be tight this year. I had to get a second job before Christmas.
I searched the papers and just couldn't find anything that would work with my complicated schedule of work and school and the kids. Geez! What's a Santa to do if she can't make that extra cash? I didn't know but was in a Twinkie semi-coma one Sunday when I happened to notice one obscure add under "General Help".
"WANTED- Articulate, outgoing, fun ladies for Adult Phone Actress Position. Weekly Pay, Bonuses, FT/PT--Please call 555-2123."
Hmmmnnn....Could I? Should I? I'm outgoing, I'm fun! Of course I could! Yep, I called and left my sexiest yet most professional message. Now all I had to do was wait and see if I got a call back. Okay, back to my Twinkies and a LifeTime Movie Network Marathon while pretending to be a lump on the couch!
Monday, 5:27 p.m.
I arrived home with my two kids, the mail and some dry cleaning slung over my shoulder. It had been a hectic Monday at the bank. Everyone wanted a holiday loan. Everyone felt they deserved it and only three of them qualified. The other twelve applicants gave me the evil eye and I'm sure, cursed me somehow.
The kids went outside to play and I started going through the mail. I stopped to check the answering maching. There were two messages. I hit play.
Message one was some automated carpet cleaning business trying to get me to have my carpets cleaned. Ha! Do it for free, then we'll talk!. Message two:
"Hi Helen, this Tracy from Global Chat returning your call. I'd like to set up a phone interview with you so please give me a call at 555-2233. That's my direct line. Thank you". BEEP.
Holy cow, they called! I sat down and stared at the phone. Should I? Could I? I could! I got out some paper and a pen and dialed Tracy's number. She answered right away.
The next hour we went over all the crazy rules and regulations and she faxed over the necessary paperwork. All I had to do was fill it all out and send it back with copies of my driver's license. It took me all of two hours to complete everything. She said she would call me back after 9 p.m. (Good, the kids would be asleep!) and we would go over the call format and do two calls together to complete my training. (I'm really going to do it?!)
I prepared supper for the kids, got them bathed and ready for bed and then made sure their doors were closed and went back out to the kitchen and sat by the phone. It rang at exactly 9 p.m.
I was really nervous during my first call. The guys description given to me by the service said he really like anal play. GAG! My first call and he's an butt bandit! I tried not to think about what I was actually saying to this guy. I reminded myself that he didn't know me and I didn't know him and he thought my name was Candi Cane (like he really cared, I'm sure!). During my first call, I found out that when these callers pop their cork, they just hang up on you. No Goodbye, no thank you, just a dead line! Just like a man too. Pop the cork and roll over dead!
By my third call, I had the hang of it. I got some crazy fools too. Some old man wanted to tell me about his wife belonging to a swinger's club but he was not invited. Apparently he was a very bad boy! My last call of the night, I thought I'd hyperventillate before the dude finished! Geez, how much heavy, fake breathing can one gal do before she starts getting dizzy?! I kept thinking (Awe man, hurry up already, please let the line go dead!) Heck, I even got kudos from the gals at the monitoring desk on that one (yea, you're calls are monitored by the agency for quality). It seems that particular guy never stays on the line that long and I should get the academy award for phone hoing! Wow! So I'm good huh?
Okay, stop. This is only a temporary Christmas job that pays weekly. It's not a career! No need to pat myself on the back.
New Year's has come and gone and I'm hooked on the money. Can't stop the money-making heavy breathing. Love the new flat screen TV and my weekly trips to the spa! And that trip to Jamaica for my Mom and me is coming up in two weeks. Gott have some spending money for that. I'm addicted. What can I say? Dear Mom, I'm a phone ho, ho, ho!
Signed,
Your daughter,
Candi Cane!
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Beautiful, wow!
'Chele,
Very nice, very well written, adult and humorously clean and over all ! excellent! On the choice of Candi, I had to think back to the old old days, when my cousin (a girl) showed me a pic of a full featured woman, that is , for a youngster, like me, a woman with a lot of feature to her features. Her name was Candy Barr, a famous stripper, I think from Dallas.
This was so long ago, the pictures were grade b photos, black and white, and from before the time of the glossy slicks of Playboy. (What a killing Hef made? Huh? Hef used to work for Esquire, a decade into Hef's success, Esquire sent one of Hef's old buddies at esquire to do a Playboy style interview, you know, the one with the three pictures of the subject on the page where the interview starts. Well it was like you would expect from Esquire, hilararious! They imitated Playboy's format, and they had TWO pictures of Hef -- and ONE of the Interviewer! because so much of the interview was also where Hef was asking questions about his old employer.)
Now I can imagine Candi being interviewed as Phone Ho of the Year, She, a star of "Scandinavian Voices" and also of "Eucalpyus Breezes" as well as the Best of the Best, On the Phone!
There would be the three pictures of Candi! and each Caption would be some of her most famous phrases, the phrases that really seem to get things going! With an interview where tough questions are asked like, "Did you have voice training?" and "How do you get the tough ones going?" Or "What kind of experiences do you draw on for material?"
Heck. We could do that on xomba! Online magazine format, like eriks posts and use three different pics like his, but of different voices Candi Cane does, you know, sultry, sexy giggly, breathy and hot, or is that Hot. . .bubbly, intellectually breathless "
Lot of room for interview ideas!
Never done this Candi so I am using my imagination, but a practical joker on a Best Buy put a 900 number to call for computer help, I dialed it for help with out thinking and I did and got off the phone before 10 seconds had gone by. But heck we can work on the literary mag format? Game?
I loved every bit of your post!
les
Hahahahaha
I am always game for something new. You want to be the interviewer? :) That would be a hoot and also a cool post. One fictional interview with a fictional phone actress. I actually knew someone who did that for about a year and let me tell you, the stories of what some of these men say would either make your toes curl in disgust or just plain make you laugh out loud. I don't know how she did it but it allowed her to work from home and not have to pay for daycare for her three kiddoes. She won a writing contest with the Express News and now does a daily column along the lines of "Dear Abby". See, good things come to those who suffer through being a phone ho first! Merry Christmas Les!
Michele
i can't decide
really can't decide which post i like more, this one or the other one. this was certainly funny, but didn't raise any sort of discussion on the profession of phone fantasy etc etc. was pretty light-hearted all around, actually. (and it should be since it's humor, right?) both great articles. ^-^ (now that i think about it, i think i liked this one a lil more only b/c it had more detail to it and... not sure how to explain it. i think i just like fiction more than non-fiction, prolly. =p)
Loved the story
Wow, this was a very well narrated piece. I loved the story. Thanks Idlewild for getting this to our attention. Great picks all!