Dear Urinal Neighbor...

This is to the guy next to me in the urinal. Just any general guy...so take heed.

Dear Guy Next to Me in the Urinal:

There is an unwritten code in the men's bathroom lore about things not to do when you're standing next to a fellow dude at the urinal. It's a Urinal Etiquette Guide, if you will. Apparently, you haven't heard about it. Let me give you an idea of the "what not to do's" at the urinal.

1. Don't stand there next to me and fart. It's bad enough I have to listen to your stream hitting the stench-filled porcelain...don't make me subject to your flatulence, too. Just because we're in a male-dominated, testosterone filled, urine soaked room - that doesn't mean it's okay to let one rip. I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna smell it. Just don't, okay?

2. After taking out your "little fella," don't stand there with both hands on your hip like you're Superman. I don't want to know that you can let your "boy" just hang there, maintenance free. Plus, you just look stupid.

3. Enough with the sighs, the grunts, and the throat clearing. You're not working out. You haven't just come from a jog. You're just taking a leak. There's no reason for all these noises to be coming from your mouth. Some of you guys sound like a hog in heat when you take a piss. You're not banging the porcelain...you're peeing in it. Silence is a virtue in a men's restroom.

4. Seriously...if there is any possiblity at all for there to be at least one urinal between us, make it happen. If I'm already standing there, DO NOT...let me repeat that...DO NOT take the urinal directly next to me if there are others available. I cannot stress this enough...especially if there aren't those partition-like splash guards in between each urinal. I don't care if you have to use the urinal that's made for midgets. That one never gets used anyways. If a midget or a kid comes in while you're using the specially designated urinal meant for their kind, too bad. They can either wait or use the normal sized one...even if it is right around drinking fountain height for them.

5. This should go without saying...but do not look over at me when I'm peeing....especially if you're gonna snicker at it. You don't need to see what I'm packing. Just rest assured that you probably got me beat in that department, okay? Just look straight ahead. It's easy.

6. Don't talk to me. If we're strangers, why would a good place for a first encounter be in the pisser?? Just act like I'm not there...and I'll grant you the same courtesy.

7. When you're taking your "boy" out...don't act like it's a big production. You know exactly what I mean. Don't reach WAYYYY down there like it's hung down to your knees. It's right there...in your zipper, k? Who are you trying to impress?

8. Enough with the shaking....seriously. I understand the need...but don't make it so blatant. There are ways to do it so that you don't look like your whole body is having a Grand Mal seizure. You're not doing a dance. Just keep this in mind...anything more than twice, and you're just playing with yourself...okay??

9. I don't know where your junk has been...but why do you have to scrub your hands with hot water and soap for 3 minutes afterwards. If you keep your stuff clean, your hand scrubbing should not be that extensive. Do ya get what I'm saying? And if you are that dirty "down there," I don't think there's enough public restroom pink soap in the world that's gonna get those germs off of your hands. I swear...some of you guys wash and scrub so much I'd think you were coming straight from a German brothel.

10. Unless you're friends are with you and you're just trying to be funny, don't drop your drawers down to your ankles when you're standing there. I only do this when I'm trying to get a laugh...not when I'm by myself next to a strange dude. It's just too...gay. You never know if the guy next to you is going to notice the "Exit Only" tattoo on your left cheek.

11. For God's sake...please please please DO NOT pee on me!! I would think that goes without saying...but you'd be surprised what goes on in those places.