A Defense of Atheism
posted October 29, 2009 - 7:56pm
I have a dark secret.
If you can guess what it is, perhaps the following will surprise you: I
am a theology major. I spent two years at a Catholic university, before I transferred to The College of New Jersey.
And yet, my reasons for transferring had nothing to do with attending a Catholic college. What I miss most about Saint Joseph’s University is walking past the chapel every day, seeing Jesuits on campus, and being surrounded by a world so foreign to me; one I have so distanced myself from.
I am an atheist.
Oh God, you may think. Atheist? Already you are expecting me to be loud, obnoxiously pushing my far-too-liberal views upon you. Clearly, I am immoral. Misguided. I am obviously, One of Them.
Maybe. But I would keep reading.
I almost feel like I am “coming out” as an atheist as I write this, because so few people really know this about me. Not because I am ashamed; because I see the way atheists are perceived. And I am not immoral or misguided. I am certainly not one of those people who think it is “trendy” to not believe.
When I tell people that I was raised with no religious background, I can almost read their reaction. They will not understand. They will ask why, they will shake their heads, perhaps even pity me. They will think I am a bad person. (That is the hardest for me to get used to.) Someone, some foolish person, will think that because I grew up without going to church, never having been baptized, that not believing just came easily.
I am certain that all atheists remember that day—that moment—when they realized there was nothing out there. I remember how insignificant I felt. How lonely it was. That day, something happened, something horrible—it should not have happened—and I just knew. There was no God. I went to bed, ready to say a prayer and then, like a slap in the face, “Oh—right.” Up until that day, praying had been a sort of habit for me. It was just What You Did. I remember—young, eight years old—praying, “Please don’t send Daddy to Hell ‘cause he doesn’t believe. Please let him into Heaven, prove to him how good you are.” I remember—throat closed, choked voice—asking my mom, “WHY doesn’t Daddy believe?”
And then of course, the day I understood.
Now I am okay with it. I had a professor at Saint Joe’s once comment about how “bitter” atheists are, how they must be “so unhappy,” with no promise of something better.
I do not rely on the promise of something better, this is true. Instead, I work to fix the injustices of today. Sometimes—not often—I am, just a twinge, jealous. I will be driving, the road will be slippery. I will think, “Oh God, don’t let me crash.” And suddenly I will feel almost choked by the sudden realization of my loneliness. It’s that anything-could-happen feeling that knocks me over sometimes, that the world will keep moving and I cannot call upon anyone to slow it down, for me, please. God. Please.
I am tired of saying goodbye forever to people. Those that I’ve lost—they are just gone.
I’m tired of hearing, “things happen for a reason,” and smiling, nodding, saying, “right, you’re right,” but knowing I don’t—cannot—believe it.
As far removed as I am from religion, I am always utterly amazed by its redeeming power. I have seen the way religion can light up a face, can instill hope in a person who has watched her entire life come crumbling down. Maybe that is a miracle on its own. The way something that cannot be seen, cannot be tangibly felt, that truthfully no one can be certain exists, has that much power. Sometimes religion is powerful in the worst possible way. But mostly, I think it is beautiful. Extraordinary. For many, it is necessary.
Yes, sometimes I am jealous. But that is just sometimes. Mostly, I am okay. I enjoy my perspective as an outsider, learning, just learning, taking it all in. Jotting down notes, here and there. Thinking of religion as beautiful, and yet keeping my distance all the same.
I don’t necessarily think I am an atypical atheist. I have met quite a few Theology majors who don’t believe, or declare themselves “on the fence.” It’s hard. Sometimes the more you learn, the more difficult it is to hold on. Sometimes I like to think of us atheists as a little band of people, making our way through this lonely world, appreciating its beauty and accepting that we don’t know where it comes from; seeing the world’s ugliness, and not having the answers for “why,” just like everyone else. Sometimes, I think, maybe we are not so different. Sometimes I want the world to know it.
Next semester I’ll be studying abroad in Florence, Italy. I will be taking two religion courses: History of Christianity and Religion and Women. I will be making a trip to Rome.
The first place to visit on my to-do list is the Vatican.
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Comments
Ark 1, I'm sorry it took me a
Ark 1, I'm sorry it took me a while to respond to this, but your comment meant a lot. Thank you as usual for your kind words and understanding:)
Congratulations on your coming out
I am by no means an atheist (although, many of the Christians in my family believe I am). I simply do not believe as they, or anyone else, believes.
I had a 'coming out' sort of like yours. It was a sudden realization that the world, and it's religions, just didn't square. My best teacher on the fallacy of organized religion was a Preacher. She did it inadvertantly (while destroying my family). While I do not agree with atheism, I get it. Even though I believe in a God, or a One, or that inner being that connects me to you, and everyone else in this world, I have often felt very alone. I still do, at times. Even after the time I heard God speak, in the moment in my most crushing weakness, I still felt alone. But I feel strong, too. I feel like I understand something religion forgot to impart to us. While religion, itself, is one of the most beautiful embodiments of ideas in the world, there is this...incompleteness about it that constantly nags at me, and makes me want to laugh in the faces of each lamb and sheep in the flock that hasn't gotten it yet.
What you had to say has made an impression on me. I will never be atheist, but I will have a hard time seeing atheists the same (honest truth is, I saw atheists the same as I saw Christian preachers or Muslim Clerics - deluded). It is a writ like yours that can inspire a complete turn around in thinking, and a general acceptance (not tolerance - acceptance) and respect for peoples' views. Very thought provoking read. Hope you enjoy yourself in Italia.
Ark1
Religious beliefs do not make "good" people
It is the heart of a person, the behavior towards yourself and others that make good people. A label does not make one better than another, we are all human.
Pssst... I also know quite a few Christians who are lonely, who are jealous, and who are taking notes. : )
I am not an athiest, but I am not any other religion either. I am me and you are you and no one is alone, lonely, maybe, but not alone.
MJ
Avatar: Belief
My journey for Balance
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