I live alone in a studio apartment that has been my home since my divorce five years ago. It's not the best apartment complex but far from the worst. The rent is reasonable and it is on a quiet street. The place is like a pit stop for people who may be saving for a house or just might want to get a fancier apartment somewhere else. I can't tell you how many people have moved in and out in the five years I've been here. My particular building has Six apartments ranging from studio's to one and two bedrooms. One other gentleman has been here seven years and he has the other studio with the rest being larger apartments. Every other apartment has turned over at least twice and some four and five times. So what I'm saying is that it is not always the best circumstances for getting to know who your neighbors are.

Well I've seen a drug dealer with all kinds of traffic and I've seen a wife hold a knife to her husbands throat as he screamed, "kill me bitch, get it over with ". This was outside and before anyone including myself intervened she had taken off in her car. Two days later they were playing with their two little girls and everyone who passed them had to pretend nothing happened. Then there was the old lady who was fine by me until her son got out of jail and was always inebriated and forever diving into the dumpsters. One time I was ready to dump a bag in when he and a friend of his stuck out their heads. Scared the shit out of me. "I hate to break up the party" I said. They found that hilarious. Then there have been some nice couples mostly, in and out, turning the apartments over. And even a nice family or two but they were usualy gone within a year.

Well I won't kid anybody, I like to keep to myself anyway. I was devastated when my wife left me for another man and my children went off with her though not really by choice. I had been married for a number years and I was dealing with alot of issues. I was drinking quite a bit as well. Something I never did much of before the divorce. Anyway I had my own problems and did'nt have time for anybody. I wasn't a shut in. I do have some good friends and there was work and family and eventualy church which saved me. But that came only recently.

Outside of hello, goodbye and some normal awkward chit chat that can't be avoided walking in or out, I kept to myself. Only the other man, a widow who has the other studio and been here the longest, seven years did I actualy socialize with on rare occasions. We'd have a beer together at one of our places and we even caught a concert, U2 and had a good time. Other than that I stayed to myself. Now for the past two years there has been a "pain in the ass", the only way to describe her who lives downstairs. She shared a place with her boyfriend who was divorced and has two boys from his marriage who come to visit and stay regularly on certain weekends. They are both in their early 30's I'd say.

Now why I call this women a pain in the ass is that she would always be outside, smoking and on her cell phone. One of those. You know, it's like "oh no she's out there again". And she would always try to talk to anybody and everybody about you name it. A simple how are you would turn into her giving anyone a list of exactly how she was from her ailments, and she was not well, to her job or how she and her boyfriend were getting along. You know the type. You just want to be able to get your mail or come home from wherever and not have to run the gauntlet. So after a few months she kind of got the vibe from me that it would be hi, goodbye basicly. Her boyfriend was a little different and we talked baseball a few times or talked cars or work but he wasn't the one planted out there and it wasn't a chore to speak with him. Our conversations would be usualy a minute or two. Just guy stuff.

I mean, I was never rude to this woman and she always had a friendly smile and hello which I would return. She knew that I could not be kidnapped if you will into endless conversion and if her boyfriend and I talked she would be very quiet but listened. This was not really her personality so I always felt she was trying to show me she wasn't that bad. She was also very good with his kids. Out there playing with them as well as she could. She smoked an awful lot and sometimes would be with a portable oxygen tank. Other times she had a little stand that fed a soloution intravenously. Many times she looked spacey from what were probably legal drugs , her medication though she looked like a junkie who could have been for all I knew. I just did'nt know and like I said, after the first few months she and I had an understanding of giving space.

I have met a lovely woman about a year ago and she and I have gotten to the stage where she stays here overnight on occasion as I do at her place. She has walked in all exasperated carrying packages or just drained by "her". "She got me again". My girlfriend is a perfect mark for her and though lately has tried to come to the understanding that I have with her she keeps getting cornered. And over the last six months she has gotten all kinds of info. "He may be throwing me out. I have no where to go" she told my girlfriend. We just laughed, "how could he take her this long"? Or, "well she's not moving in here with me". My girlfriend came in once saying " do you hear them? They are really going at it". That weekend she was playing with his kids for hours outside. Many times she would not look sickly, even looked healthy and energetic. So who knows. Like I said, I never really know what anybody's story is. In two years I did'nt even know their names and don't think they knew mine. Now that sounds terrible I know but such is life as i have lived it here in this apartment complex. Nobody really socializes and I've tried to explain my situation a little.

A couple of days ago I got up around eight and noticed a fire truck, a police car and an ambulance out front and no sooner was there a knock on my door. Two police officers. As I opened the door I noticed a gurney wheeled right up to their door. "Did you hear any noise last night, arguing downstairs"? "No officer". "Have you ever"? "No I haven't", which was the truth. "Is everything ok" I asked. "Well the young woman downstairs passed away last night". We don't suspect any foul play but we have to ask these routine questions". "Oh my God, I'm sorry to hear that" I say, stunned. He takes my phone # and leaves. No fewer than six police cars are now on scene and what appear to be social workers along with the paramedics and the vehicle which will take her body. I never see her wheeled out. Her boyfriend is questioned for more than an hour by a police car across the street. I'm sure he was questioned for at least two more hours before he even appeared outside. His head is hung low and he seems white, devastated. All in all it's at least six hours before they all leave and he now is alone in his apartment which is very dark for the rest of the night but he is in there. I hear the TV as I bring out the garbage.

My girlfriend is shocked and alluded to the argument and the info that she would be kicked out and then she says it was just normal bickering. That was months ago besides. She never knew her illness but assume she succumbed to it or the toxicity of her medication. She felt bad that she had been brushing this woman off recently and just felt very sorry for her in general. She even said that there was a sadness in her eyes and wondered if this was a suicide. I am not feeling good about myself. I never took the time to hear her out really. She was lonely and maybe even scared of her illness though i'm just guessing. She always needed people to relieve whatever it was which did make her quite bothersome. I have put my life back together somewhat after my divorce and my church has offered friendship and moral guidance but I don't feel that I've returned much of it. I feel guilty for not taking the time to get to know something about a fellow human being. A good woman, with problems yes but who is without. Maybe my friendship would have given comfort to her. She was a neighbor. What kind of neighbor am I? Have I learned nothing, especialy with all the people who reached out to me?

I have looked in the obituaries and there is nothing. The apartment has been empty. I'm sure he will return soon. I will offer him my condolences but you know, It's awkward. Am I to say sorry to hear about ..who? I never even got her name and don't even know his. There are some cigarette butts still in the dirt. A stray cat she fed is still lingering in the area. It's to late for me but now I realize that I will miss seeing her. Her smile, her friendliness, her play with the children. I'm sure much of this feeling is guilt but much is the realization that she is really gone now. I've prayed for her soul and also for strength and forgiveness to be a better neighbor. A better man.