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Divorce And The Innocent Victims

posted October 1, 2008 - 6:31am
Divorce And The Innocent Victims

Is it becoming a style statement or what? Getting divorced has become the shortest route for one to escape his/her shortcomings and failures, personal, social and otherwise. In short I consider it an act of cowardice.

Two people meet, fall in love, get married and then one fine day, swoosh, it's all gone. Gone where, i ask? Was it ever there? How can you just give up on someone like that? Are you really giving up on someone else or on yourself? I have experienced the feeling. It was a music system. I just fell out of love with it and next day i exchanged it for a better one. But doing it to a cryin', talkin', sleepin', walkin', livin' person is brutal. To yourself.

The people involved directly, tell themselves things and manage but the children, if they are there, are the most affected. They are like innocent bystanders suffering in a situation taking place around them. What is their fault? I mean, you fooled yourself into believing that you were in love with each other and then again that you wanted to spend the rest of your lives with the other person and then went ahead to seal it with producing a child and then now, you just can't stand each other. Where has the child gone wrong?

No matter how justified your reason is for the divorce why should the child live through the agony and the fear of being unwanted, being abandoned, separation, depression, withdrawal etc? How can either parent deprive their own child the love of the other parent. It is not a matter of minutes or hours or days, the absence of a parent will be a permanant void in the life of a child. I feel sick to the core reading about parents who are divorcing and are extremely concerned about their children. Hello? If you were concerned about the kids you wouldn't be thinking about separation. And if you really did love your spouse even one bit, ever, you wouldn't be imagining running away at this stage for any reason. I have seen people keeping small notes, pieces of cloth and other tidbits just because they attach some emotional value to it. But a spouse, they are willing to kick out any time.

Talking of children, the innocent victims of a divorce, research has it that 64% of all children having gone through a divorce of their parents will suffer from some kind of psychological problems that include anxiety, sadness, moodiness phobia, and or depression, do badly in studies or be aggressive in their later lives. Still the 'concerned' parents have a reason which is more pressing than this to leave their spouse. Can't these folks see that their child's world will fall apart even before it has begun to take shape.

How can society be so tolerant of such people? Doesn't the next man or woman in the divorcee's life have doubts about his/her commitment, conviction and social nature. Let's face it, if a person has left one, there is no reason to believe that he won't leave the other as soon as he falls out of love, whatever that means. Shouldn't such people be subject to criminal courts for the crime of child abuse or harrassment or abandonment?

Personally I feel that a couple should be allowed a window period of a couple of years after marriage to make up their minds whether they are or not in love with the spouse. During this period they should not be allowed to have a child. If they want the couple can part ways during this period. Once a child is borne there should be a ban on divorce till the time the child is of an age where he can understand, relationships and their complexities and when he is ready to handle the trauma a divorce creates.



Comments

"This is the first time i

"This is the first time i have seen kids and favors being used together in a single breath. Any parent who considers doing anything for his/her own kids as a favor is definitely having a tough time with the kids." Um, it's a common turn of phrase used to refer to a situation in which the act of trying to do what you think is best for someone is really doing them more harm. I really think you're arguing with me just for the sake of arguing and because it's me. The fact that you would even suggest that abused spouses should look to their own fault in the situation kinda makes me not care what you have to say, but I'm a glutton for punishment. "Do you think they had any choice? Another divorce and the person will get labeled as a serial divorcee. That fact coupled with the extra effort that a person puts in the marriage because of the earlier failure makes it seem like the person and his/her kids have found a stable home." So your contention here is that you know all of the people in my life and their situations better than I do and that the only reason they're staying with their second spouse is that they're worried about what people will think? Wow. All of them made mistakes about the first person they chose to marry and ended up with spouses, both male and female, who were in some way abusive to them AND in many cases abusive and neglectful to their own kids! Some people are serial divorcees, but some people just marry rashly and then approach their choice of a second marriage with more wisdom and make a good, sustainable choice. All of the kids that I know in these situations have formed a closer and more secure bond with their stepparent than they ever did with their biological one. "A child is not capable of dealing sufficiently with the emotional issues of divorce or the problems of divorce itself and that is the reason i am advocating a delay in the divorce till the time the child is capable." It's always hard, but you're being naive if you assume that there are no situations in which having your parents stay together is harder and more damaging in the long run.

@laurenvork, Holy Cow!

This is the first time i have seen kids and favors being used together in a single breath. Any parent who considers doing anything for his/her own kids as a favor is definitely having a tough time with the kids. "you can't stand being together." That was the whole point of the article. Since one is married, i take it that they could more than stand each other when they married and then suddenly one fine day after producing a brood for oneself, 'you can't stand each other'. Why punish the kids for the error of your heat of passion or judgment? Families can deal with divorce and many of them do, and after having talked to way, way, too many sons and daughters of parents who cannot be happy together who FINALLY split up, I can tell you that most of these kids say, "Thank god they're finally splitting up!" I love these parents you talk about. They made sure that their kids grew up and were sensible enough to understand relationships before they gave up on each other and in turn their kids. That is what i am saying, don't abandon your kids till they understand what is happening and why. When the kids are capable of saying, "Thank god, they're finally splitting up!" is probably the right time to quit. But i hope these kids you know understand that their parents continued despite being unhappy for their sake. one parent is clearly irresponsible or emotionally or physically abusive. First things first, You can't clap with one hand, can you? In most cases the blame or the fault lies with both the parties. We normally think that only one side was to be blamed because we are tuned to take sides and end up listening only one side of the story. Most of the people I've ever known who get divorced with kids end up finding a happier, more stable household for their child when they remarry. Do you think they had any choice? Another divorce and the person will get labeled as a serial divorcee. That fact coupled with the extra effort that a person puts in the marriage because of the earlier failure makes it seem like the person and his/her kids have found a stable home. A child is not capable of dealing sufficiently with the emotional issues of divorce or the problems of divorce itself and that is the reason i am advocating a delay in the divorce till the time the child is capable. Bare Essentials

"In short I consider it an

"In short I consider it an act of cowardice." I am sorry, taprial, but I disagree on this completely. On the contrary, I think it takes a huge amount of courage on the part of both, the man and the woman, to realize that their relationship is over and to move on with their lives. Separation can be traumatic to all the parties concerned and it takes a lot of courage to pick up the pieces and rebuild a life all over again! More so for a woman, I think!

I disagree

"Personally I feel that a couple should be allowed a window period of a couple of years after marriage to make up their minds whether they are or not in love with the spouse. During this period they should not be allowed to have a child. If they want the couple can part ways during this period." I agree with Laurenvork here. Most problems in a marriage start usually only after a child is born or enters the family. It doesn't matter after how many years the child is born. That is the true test of a relationship. Staying together alone without kids, a couple may get along very well and not have any "adjustment" problems. However, There are a lot of changes that come immediately after a kid is born that demands full attention from the "new mother" and thereby neglecting the spouse's demands. That's when all the adjustment problems start. Besides not every individual, man or woman, is a perfect parent the moment a child is born. Some take it in their stride, and are prepared mentally, while others just struggle to do their best. So, you can't really say that a couple is "now" ready to have children and live together "happily" for the rest of their lives! That's not true at all! Besides, you never know if the child that will be born will be "normal"? What then? There is a lot of stress and psychological trauma when an abnormal child is born and it could take a toll on the relationship between the parents. I think you are getting confused with the real meaning of the word "Commitment" here. Here is the definition of the word "An agreement to perform a particular activity at a certain time in the future under certain circumstances." This content can be found on the following page: http://www.investorwords.com/cgi-bin/getword.cgi?id=969&term=commitment Or 1. [n] - a message that makes a pledge 2. [n] - an engagement by contract involving financial obligation 3. [n] - the act of binding yourself (intellectually or emotionally) to a course of action 4. [n] - the official act of consigning a person to confinement (as in a prison or mental hospital) http://www.webdictionary.co.uk/definition.php?query=commitment Like any other contract that you make, this too is a contract or agreement between two individuals that can be broken in a court of law - Called "Divorce", if for any of the legitimate reasons you are not able to fulfill the said terms of the contract. I personally feel that the only way two individuals can stay together happily is if their "souls" connect with each other.

You don't do your kids any favors...

...by staying together when you can't stand being together. Families can deal with divorce and many of them do, and after having talked to way, way, too many sons and daughters of parents who cannot be happy together who FINALLY split up, I can tell you that most of these kids say, "Thank god they're finally splitting up!" Nevermind how often it's the case that one parent is clearly irresponsible or emotionally or physically abusive. Most of the people I've ever known who get divorced with kids end up finding a happier, more stable household for their child when they remarry. The actual problems you mention are not problems of divorce itself, but of failing to deal sufficiently with the emotional issues that come with divorce.

I Blame Divorce on the Economy of Feminism

It encouraged women to 'stand up, be a man and get a job'; which made inflation grow to such an extent that women were more-and-more 'in need' of paying work ... more-and-more women became sufficient unto themselves, needing men less-and-less, leading to more-and-more 'islands in the stream'-relationships. Due to my traumatic brain injury (and a little to my parents' divorce years afterward), part of me is stuck in 'childhood' forever---an entirely-internal part, the part that believes people are GOOD (like faith in God, it can't be suitably reasoned-out!) ---Buddha tells Uncle MythMan, "Flood the Open Eyes with the Truth, for as Long as You Exist!" Help Him Spread the Truth (about stuff) Here!

---when You Join Xomba, you can join this- and MythMan's other-hot discussions!

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