There was a time in my life when kind words would send me to tears. A time when I felt so unworthy of kindness, craved kindness, but didn't know how to accept kindness. I was beaten down almost daily with words of belittling, name calling and intimidated with acts of violence. Although I had not been physically harmed, I secretly wished for it. I felt that the physical pain would be a reason to hurt, where the emotional pain, as I was told, was all in my head.

Another reason it is difficult for me to receive kindness is the learned consequences of accepting kindness. Kindness comes with strings attached and I will be expected to give something, usually something specific that I had already refused, in return. In a way, I often view kindness as a weapon of blackmail.

It is surprising to me just how many people there are in the world that feels the same and at the same time, it is a sad realization.

Although I do not break out into tears when I receive kindness now, I am still uncomfortable with it and can even become embarrassed. I do say "Thank you" as I do appreciate it, but I do this with a blushing face and try to change the subject as fast as possible.

I enjoy giving; my time, my shoulder, my smiles, praise, heh, and even my opinion. : ) I enjoy seeing people smile, it causes such a warm and happy feeling inside.

For me, it is just so much easier to give than to receive kindness. I don't have to worry if the kindness is a manipulation, I don't have to feel obligated to anyone, and I don't have to feel uncomfortable and embarrassed. However, in seeking balance, one must be able to receive as well as give.

I tell you this because my thoughts this past week has been on the balance of giving and receiving. The uppermost thought or theory on my mind is that one needs to free themselves of the learned conditions of "receiving is blackmail". However, to do this, one must be able to discern the motives of another for giving. This can lead to a feeling of generalized mistrust, which is something I really don't like, but in today's times, seems to be a needed mindset when dealing with others. Another thought is to receive with a "thank you" and not allow the gift to have strings. Stay true to us, do not allow others to manipulate. So much easier said than done. : )

So, what can a person do to learn how to receive without a feeling of guilt or being obligated to the giver? 
 

Originally posted at: A Journey to Balance: I Am Infinite

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