Chapter 1
“I never really prepared for our winter, I held onto our summer.”
Keilah

When Keilah’s mom told her that Andre called, Keilah had to admit she smiled. She knew Andre missed her because she knew she missed him. No matter what or whom he was doing, Keilah always felt that she was his heart. She had grudgingly resolved in her mind that she was to forever be a “special one” and not “the one”… her heart reluctantly lagged behind dragging bags of memories that made getting over it seem more like one emotional hurdle after the next. Keilah was reluctant to return his call. Time had passed and she had been able to put her feelings in check but she knew deep down past the apathy … past the anger … past the hurt … love still endured. He seemed insistent on seeing her. Keilah was curious. Did he miss her? Did Andre finally want to share that he had been a fool all this time and beg her to come back to him. Ha!

Now, as Keilah sat across from Andre, she heard nothing but the three words he seemed to casually slip into the conversation. The clatter of dishes and the chatter at nearby tables were barely audible. Keilah’s concerns about the little pimple that had crept along the right temple seemed minuscule. Even her weight gain was of no consequence at the dropping of those three words.

(Breathe, Keilah … breathe.)

Keilah had learned to hide emotions on her face. Through the years it had become something of an art form. She had learned how to quickly pull out lipstick when she felt her bottom lip quiver, gliding a fresh coat of paint across a false grin. The stiffening of Keilah’s jaw line could easily be camouflaged by resting it casually within the palm of her hand while she averted attention to something else in the room. Yes, awkward moments brought out the actress in Keilah.

(Yes, that is what the hell he said. Get it together)

She had gone over and over in her head, how she’d run her lines, the gestures, the movements … this one moment that she’d unwillingly prepared for. The one thing she didn’t factor was now overwhelming her, the solitary tear. That one monumental tear that burns the more you try to hold it back was at that moment building up in the well of Keilah’s left eye. There is nothing that can hold back that type of tear. Unlike actual crying where each tear has its own specific emotion to attend to, that single tear must do the job of a million tears and contain every emotion with in itself. If you hold onto it, you’d burst… you just knew you’d lose it. As she sat across from Andre, soaking up this new information, Keilah felt like she was trying to hold back a tsunami. That one salty tear was filled with so much emotion… shock, hurt, anger, surprise, mourning, hate, jealousy, envy, and remorse.

After all those emotions built that tear up, love ran from the back and thrust through the crowd and desired nothing more than to submerge itself deep within that one solitary tear. Aligning itself on the rim of Keilah’s left eye, love took hurt and anger by the hand and dove in. Hoping to be overwhelmed by hurt and anger, love rode the wave from the corner Keilah’s left eye, sliding quietly down Keilah’s cheek, only to be caught by a napkin and tucked away for later. Hate laughed because love wanted to drown and die… surprise and shock looked on, wondering what was next. Jealousy and envy joined hate and mocked love. Remorse sat close by and wept. Mourning hugged love tightly and whispered, “You know you can’t die.” Love pushed through and Keilah hated it. She heard those three words clearly…“I’m getting married.”

Andre had found her.

“K, what are you looking for?” The sound of Andre’s voice broke the echo that was ripping Keilah’s heart into a million pieces. Rubbing the tear into her cheek, Keilah responds lightly.

“ I thought I heard my phone ringing. This purse is so big I can’t even find it. Well, I guess we should be drinking Moet rather than chardonnay.”

Andre nervously smiled at Keilah, trying to read pass the obvious sarcasm. He knew she wasn’t happy.

“I said I was thinking about it. I’m not quite sure just yet. You know I am a different type of dude so a sister gotta really come with something extra to make me take a second look. She’s a little different K, so it could happen; you know what mean. She’s special.”
(Breath Keilah … breath.)

“Yes, Dre. I’m sure any woman that marries you has to be different… special … well Special Ed.”

(Damn, like that he’s just gonna drop this crap on me. Bang … Boom. Does he want my permission?)

“Well, K it’s a little more to it. She’s pregnant.”

(What the hell did Andre just say?)

Keilah transformed from an actress to a mime and gave the most animated Joker grin she could muster up. The last remaining pieces of her heart were now wasting away to hollow beats of invisible screams that she was now tried to drown in a sip from her already empty wine glass.

Keilah’s mind raced back to a rainy Friday in June that she let their love get sucked out of her and poured down a drain. The uniqueness that would have been she and he was changed forever on that day. The uniqueness that would have been Andre & Keilah, revealing itself day by day ... year by year … step by step was sloshed and twisted into unheard cries and silent tears. Keilah’s womb now wept ... again.

(You have a baby on the way, too.)

Keilah’s womb now cries out… please give her one more chance…oh what a sweet and loving place I’d make for your seed… please let me nurture your seed once again … just one more time... oh God please … Keilah’s eyes lie...
“Wow, your really doing it all in one big swoop … baby ...engagement…marriage. I guess you stopped tying knots in your condoms after me?”

Keilah’s womb began to fill with tears of remorse and regret that had been bottled up for 10 long years. The cap of repentance that held the tears inside burst, the hope of redemption of a past error was now lose and began to saturate Keilah’s womb like bile. No second chance to right the wrong. No coming back.

“You ready for all that Dre?”

Keilah’s womb at that moment felt like a tomb over grown with thorny branches reaching out. All Keilah could hear was her womb asking ‘Why’. Why didn’t that precious seed never bloomed. How sad … spring in early May would have been such a wonderful time to welcome him into the world. Yes, it would have been a boy with your pouty lips and his brooding brow laid across a cinnamon skin that had welcoming eyes just like his mommy. What a silly insecure girl you were.

Andre grabbed Keilah’s hand, “Nothing is set in stone but it’s a good possibility it is going to happen.” Andre knew Keilah was hurting, why did she still insist on going through these emotional facades, Andre wondered. He couldn’t really blame her; he was famous for doing it himself. Andre always knew Keilah could read between the crooked lines. As Andre sat across from Keilah, he really was searching for something in her eyes… they always told Andre more than Keilah was willing to say herself.

Alisha meant the world to Andre and the whole love thing snuck up on him like a thief in the night. The strange thing was that Keilah confirm it for him. In the back of his mind, Andre almost wished Keilah would have made a move that night.; maybe things wouldn’t be where they were. Keilah knew he was hurt but instead of just loving him the way only she knew Andre needed, Keilah took that moment to grind him. From that one conversation, Keilah stepped from “the one” to “her”.

“You remember what went down when I called you on my birthday K?”

Keilah remembered like it was yesterday. At the stroke of midnight Andre’s birthday, Keilah had left him a “friendly” birthday message, figuring he would call back later yet still hoping he would call back sooner. Year after year Keilah would want to celebrate his birthday or do something special for him. Year after year Andre declined and down played anything Keilah ever suggested. Why would Andre deny an opportunity to celebrate? She found that day special because that was the day in her mind that God allowed Andre to begin a new journey. Keilah often fancied they were playmates in heaven that made a promise to meet and discover the familiar all over again in their new skin. Once she packed away that romantic notion along with his t-shirts and ties she never seemed to be able to throw away, Keilah put Andre’s “birthday thing” as another one of his peculiar ways.

By 8’ o’clock, Keilah she figured Andre was out and about. When her phone showed the only number she really wanted to answer, she smiled. Keilah answered light and casual trying her damnedest not to reveal the delight she felt just to hear his voice.

(Damn, I love his voice … I miss him so much … maybe I can suggest meeting him some where tonight… this was the big 30…I could even fix him his favorite…)

As Keilah pulled herself back from the back porch of her mind she realized that Andre was angry and complaining about some other chick on the front steps.

“K, I am so pissed right about now, you know what I’m saying? She took me to Applebee’s! Can you believe that shit? This is the big 3-0 … and she come out the box with some okey doke Applebee’s, they did the whole corny singing and candle in a piece of dry ass cake. What up with that? Can you tell me K? How many times have we eaten at Applebee’s. She knows that, damn!”

Keilah catches her breath
(Isn’t this some shit? He can’t be serious)

“Well, Dre maybe she didn’t have any money right now or she got something bigger and better planned for you?”

(He expects some new chick to take care of him on his birthday like I would…hmmm…I think I am insulted)

“K, come on now she knew my birthday was coming … she didn’t try to set aside …be creative … you know… this is like major … its the 3-0”

(I am insulted. I’ll be damn Dre’ has fucked around and caught feelings for this chick)

“Dre, I’m sure her intentions were good, don’t be mean like that.”

Andre's voice got low and almost sweet…

“ K, you wouldn’t have done no whack shit like this would you? Come on now K, you know me.”

(Uhmm, no I wouldn’t do any dumb shit like that , I love you. Wait just minute … why in the hell is Dre telling me this shit anyway? Now I am mad. )

“Yeah Dre, I know you, what’s your point? What are you looking for me to say? Where are you anyway?

(You want me to say I still love you? You want me to say come scoop me up and let me show you how special you really are? Hell, naw can’t go there… won’t go there? I cannot believe he is calling me about his new chick.)

“Damn, say something K, am I wrong? Am I judging this situation wrong? She writes poetry on her down time…she could have written me something special on some fancy paper or even better made me a little cd of her stuff in her own voice. Anything! It’s not about big gifts with me, come on K you know me! ? I took care of her for her birthday. I went all out for her and she come back at me with this. What’s really up with this?

(Yeah Dre’. I know you … too well, 4 years worth of loving you. Birthdays didn’t matter much to you when we were together. Now you have put in a year or 2 with new chick and you are expecting something that would have come naturally from me… phew.)

“ Check this Dre’, she messed up… major… but apparently you feeling this sister so either you stick with her or you leave her. Sounds to me like your nose is wide open … plain and simple... you know what you want to do…so do it! What you want me to say?

(I’m through… done. Does he want to torture me… he knows I love him and he wants the very love I had placed at his feet time after time from someone that is apparently just digging on him. That type of love he was anticipating from new chick he had in me …truth …he knows it, that’s why he’s calling me. He’s using me as the litmus test… the verifier between truth and fiction. Andre knows it, that’s why he called me. Even still, he wants to experience the truth with her. Phew)

“ You know what K, I wasn’t looking for this from you. I called you as a friend. But its cool … I’m out!” CLICK!!!”

When Keilah put the phone back on the charger that night, she wondered what would be next. She knew Andre dug on interesting women, but he seemed blown … frighten as she was to admitted it … Andre sounded like he was in love. Keilah threw it out of her mind because she couldn’t take the possibility of that. As she looked across the table at Andre, she knew it was now a reality and it stank like morning breath.

Keilah smiled and nodded to the waitress to bring her another glass of wine.

“Yeah, Dre I remember, what’s that got to do with the here and now.”

Andre thought to himself “Everything…K…everything!”

Keilah watched Andre as he paid their tab, starting at the top and slowly worked downward. One thing Keilah always liked was how he always kept the tightest shape ups. His hair was always cut, mustache neat and trimmed. His goatee had a sexy little peak that Keilah loved to play with when he slept. His brow line always was strong and hovered over some of the most amazing gray eyes that always made her melt. His pointy nose was always a source of jokes for Keilah but the joke was on her when he nuzzled it gently against her intimate places. Though Andre was by most accounts a red-bone, his full lips undeniably were sensual and without question African. His broad shoulders were the perfect canvas for the red sweater he was wearing.
As Andre stretched his hand out to Keilah, she wondered how could she want to hate someone so beautiful. The complicated love affair of Keilah and Andre was over. Keilah had to get over him; most importantly she had to accepted Andre was over her, too. At all cost she had to reassure herself that she was past the “in love with Andre” hurdle… finished crying over the “always love Andre” long jump to now being awkwardly perched on the splinter filled “I got love for you” bench.