Last night, many things happened and many things changed. Though it's not like a drama or action scene where things were thrown or explosions occurring, it was what a real life scene is meant to be.  Revelations, heartbreak, uncontrollable anger, sadness...yes, many things happened. I'm still in shock myself and at the same time, afraid.

When children are born, their world is what and who is around them. Their parents were the absolute authority and at the same time, their guardians, love and home. Consistent things make the children feel comfortable and safe but when that consistency is interrupted randomly, it confuses them. This includes anything from words spoken to words unspoken, actions made to actions held back. So the parents has a huge influence on them, physically, mentally and emotionally. It is hard to fathom all the experiences one could go through when things become "dysfunctional".

Rejection, violence, punishment...there are many forms of these kind of things. It's very hard to list them all but each one, when used against someone, has a slightly different effect, depending on the form and the people involved. Each one creates it's own doubts, fears, silence... I wonder, if people realized all of this, would they be kinder?

Last night, for the first time, I stood my ground. For the first time in five years, I faced my fears and for the first time in my life, I stopped blaming myself. In a sense, it could've been a joyful thing to celebrate as this was a goal I worked hard for many years. However, I could not help but feel helpless and cry for the one in pain. The one screaming and putting all their anger, hate, regret... on their child. The child that never was able to stand up to their parents and blamed herself her whole life. Maybe that's why it was easier to lose yourself when it came to this child. Because they're small, meager, insignificant, weak and foolish. Because they can't possibly understand what their parents went through and so they deserved to bear the burden of their parents. And so the children were to blame. Is that how it is?

For the first time, I embraced my feelings in the face of violent outrage. Don't think I wasn't scared like hell though as this rage was coming from a person who I use to look up to, use to believe in and use to feel safe with. But if I always nod, take their painful words to heart, and never express myself in fear of hurting or angering them, then eventually, I will be like them. Losing yourself, your heart, your sense of reality and understanding. The world will be as torn, ugly and disgusting to you as it is to the one you look up to. Never given the chance to think for yourself, always controlled and thrown around like an emotionless toy. Being like that, a person would never find happiness. Either in themselves or in another, they will never find it because they don't even know what truly makes them happy. How can one know when they can't even think for themselves without the words of another echoing back in their thoughts? How can they know when they always blame themselves? How can you find yourself when you feel like the world looks down on you and rejects you?

The ironic thing was I didn't even provoke the event. I just did what came natural and said what came natural...for the first time. Unfortunately, he didn't want to see it. The truth his child held. And even more unfortunate is the fact he thinks it's for another reason and no matter how much we try to convince him otherwise, his warped sense of reasoning is secured in his own world and in the image he has created for us. Anything else outside of it was, to him, unforgivable.

There were other times when I'd TRY (extra emphasis on try) to stand my ground and face him, sharing my thoughts and reasoning. Though it was rare because every time I did, I would break. There was a certain phrase that he uses when I say or do something he especially disagrees with that I was vulnerable to. Sadly, I was so defenseless towards it that it was the trigger to me losing my memories, ability to write, to express and my ability to simply function. I didn't even remember any of this until he said those same words recently in the month of May. Of course, I broke down again but not as bad as before as when he first said it.

But last night, I was unaffected. Even though he was violent and screaming at me, blaming me, trying his best to make it my fault and show me how stupid, spoiled and ignorant I was, I stood my ground and didn't believe his words. For the first time ever, I didn't take his words to heart and hate myself again. I didn't think 'Why' or 'Sorry' and lose myself in my guilt and confusion.

Though I guess 'unaffected' would be the wrong term as I was but in a different way. A new and strange way. Since he's rarely violent, it definitely scared me. But my instincts held me firm because I knew, if I keep submitting to him, nothing will change. He would never see the truth as we would always hide it in fear of igniting something worse.

"Things get worse before they get better."

The reason why I was able to stand up to him though was because I finally understand. I finally understood that it wasn't my fault through all these years of soul searching. I understood what happened in the past and why it had. I've mourned my losses, cried my pain, and accepted it all. At my own pace, with the help of my sister and few people I call friends, and through facing my other fears and insecurities, I'm finally able to see myself, to feel my heart and mind and in turn,  see the truth.

But the truth was heartbreaking. What I saw was a man who was broken, misunderstood, paranoid and saw the world through a very limited filter that he developed to create a world far from reality. It was his way of coping, his way of handling truths and his way of survival. The thing is that these beliefs and reasoning has been so engraved into his mind and heart that he can't even see anything else anymore. Actually, I don't even know when it got so deep as the whole time, the pain I had surrounded my mind and life. Seeing things clearly now, I can't help but cry. Not for myself but for him. His suffering, his anger, his resentment and bitterness. For the first time, I saw him clearly and even though he was putting the blame on me, I can't blame him for it. I can't blame him for his way of handling the truth after so many years of loss and slow torture. I can't blame him for never being able to find himself and inability to understand the world and people around him. I can't blame him for trying his best with the little he knew and understood about the human mind and heart. He has tried his best, suffered a lot and this is the result. That's all I can ask for.  That he would love us (though in a twisted way) and to try his best.

Since his "good" daughter is gone, it makes me wonder what will happen now. He has never been that violent towards me. I am really frightened but not paralyzed anymore. I guess it's okay to be though because that means I acknowledge the truth. I acknowledge that this is how he feels and this is how he expresses and copes with it. A part of me feels like running and hiding again but if I do, nothing will change. Nothing will improve. Everything would still be suffocating, dying slowly, piercing, gradually eating us away. Affecting everything we do...

Since I've been typing this, I realized the anger I developed when I remembered what happened five years ago is gone. How strange. There were things I thought I would end up complaining about here but I never mentioned it. I feel like the world in my mind is making sense now and that the broken pieces are coming back together, stronger than ever. I hope one day, I can share the details of my life and hope it'll encourage others to work to be stronger too. One form or another, I want to learn from my experiences and inspire others with them. Hopefully, I can also figure out a way to give my father a sense of peace even if he rejects us with his body and mind. I guess I can't help wanting to make my parents happy, no matter how much they've hurt me and themselves in return. There's little I can do but I want to try my best.