Five Days to Solace

Don't mistake the obliviousness in this piece for indifference. It was the obliviousness I wished I'd had on this fateful day.

September 11, 2001

Alarm. Shower. Clothing. Bagel and banana. Backpack. Deodorant. Snort of Jack Daniels. Coffee. Scratching. No television. It was too late for that. Books. Notebooks. Still tired.
Walking.
Still tired.
Door locked. Walking. Door open. Sitting. Waiting. Sleeping. Knocking on the door. Student. What’s going on. Not the Marvin Gaye song.
Amid the worthy. The better people. Better than me, anyway.
I didn’t want know. Not any of this. But now I know and I am not the same.
Trade Center gone. Planes flown into it. Is that a big building? Buildings? A plane flew into buildings? Why? Who flies a plane into a building? Terrorists? I though we got rid of Timothy MacVeigh. I thought we fried him because he’s so bad. Correction, he was so bad. Flew a Cessna into the Trade Center? World Trade Center? Huh. Not a Cessna? Bi-plane? Leer Jet? Hang glider? Ultra lite? Seven-thirty-seven? That’s a big plane. Who flies a big plane into a building? Oh yeah, terrorists. Two planes? Two big planes? Two big planes into one building? Two buildings, two planes. Got it. So two buildings hit two planes or two planes hit two buildings? Did they hit simultaneously? A freak air show accident perhaps. These things that happen, well, they happen. It’s shame about the planes. Two perfect good planes with wrinkled noses and clipped wings. Two humiliated planes wrinkled and naked like two old men getting a sponge bath. Poor things. The planes I mean. Well, maybe the old men, too. Who flies a plane into a building? An idiot? The planes exploded? Before or after they hit the building? After? Makes sense. Were they still in the building at the time or had they fallen out? Imagine that. A wrinkled nose, clipped wings and a crooked tail stuck in the pavement. Poor plane. The planes exploded in the building? Were people in it? Yes? Thousands of people? Do we count the people in the plane that’s in the building? I think we should. They might feel left out. Did anyone spill their coffee when the plane hit? I would have. Coffee and a jelly donut. That sounds good. I suppose if a plane hit my office building I’d spill my coffee. Maybe someone else’s too. And accidentally squirt the jelly out of my donut. Stupid jelly. Who puts jelly in a donut? Put the jelly in a pouch. Not just any pouch, though. One of those little ketchup pouches. Those would work. Squeeze the jelly on the donut. Less mess and never too much squirting jelly.
I’d rather be oblivious, you know.
Shut up? Why? Who’s a jackass? Me? I thought I was dead. I’m not? I guess I should have put some quarters in my parking meter then. You wish I had been in the buildings? Why? I wouldn’t be here anymore? Well, of course not. I’d be there which is definitely not here. Where is there? New York? I knew there was crime in New York but… Shut up? I don’t think your briefcase would fit there. Oh, you’d make it fit. Then I guess it would be fine.
Two planes hitting the Center is a terrible thing. Right, World Trade Center. Is that a large building? Buildings? Fine. Are these large buildings? Bigger than the Empire State Building? People lived in this building? Oh, they worked in it. So do the people that worked in the building but weren’t there have to go to work tomorrow? Who cares? Someone should. What if they come to work tomorrow only to find out that work was cancelled? What then? They might panic. Maybe they like work. Maybe they like working in a tall building. I know I wouldn’t, though. Why not? Elevators. Somewhere there is an elevator that goes all the way down to hell. I don’t know which one it is so I avoid all of them.
Of course now I’m doubly afraid of tall buildings. Why? Because people fly big planes into them. Who flies a plane into a building? Oh yes, terrorists. If they had to crash something into a building, why not a Hyundai? It wouldn’t explode? How do you know? There’s lots of Hyundai’s around and their no good anyway. Hyundai’s just hurt the driver. I know, a Hyundai hit me once. I was okay but the Hyundai was a mess. So was the driver. I’m just kidding. That never happened.
Do you think the terrorists meant to fly into the Center? Right. World Trade Center. Maybe they meant to make an emergency landing in the street but forgot the wings wouldn’t fit between the buildings. You don’t think so? Why not? So what if they’re terrorists? Terrorists are stupid, too. Not as stupid as Hyundai drivers, though. Hyundai drivers are stupid. I’m just kidding. I never said that.
Why are the buildings so big? National pride? Demonstrate the power of democracy? Symbol of the wealth and prosperity of our nation? A monument to capitalism? What’s so great about that? Free will? Free speech? Free press? Free pursuit of happiness? Free market? It sounds more like socialism to me. Why? Free, free, free. That’s why. Nothing is free. Especially big buildings. And airplanes. Airplanes are definitely not free. And jelly donuts and coffee and Hyundai’s. Not free, people. Talking is free. Can’t buy talking. Can’t sell talking. Can’t stop talking. Talking is free.

They’re big? The buildings, they’re big? Touch the sky? Who needs to touch to the sky? I don’t. Actually I can already touch the sky. See? I did too. Here, I’ll do it again. Ping, I pressed a cloud. Who needs a building? To touch the sky, I mean. People like to be high up in the air? Why? You don’t know? Does anyone know why? Why they like to be high? The buildings…the people, why do they like to be high? No one knows? Maybe they just like to be high.
The mountains are high. The air is clean, too. Sometimes it’s cold. Really cold. Cold and high. If people like it high… Don’t interrupt me. I want to say something. Free talking, remember? Move to the mountains. What do I mean? If you like to be high, move to mountains. Why? Because mountains are high.
Free speech? I’ve never been to a free speech. On television? That isn’t free. I have to pay time for television. Nope. No free speeches that I know of.
Say, does anyone know why?
Who cares? I do. I want to know why. Who flies a plane into building? Yes, I know. A terrorist. Yes, a big plane, too. Who flies a big plane into a building without a reason? There’s a reason. Trust me, it’s bigger than television and jelly donuts. And capitalism. It’s bigger than capitalism. I know that much. And it’s free. Free like talking is free. Reasons are always free. And I mean free as in not paying. Talking and reasons are both free. Until you run out. Then you’re out. But I’ve never heard of anyone running out of reasons. No one that cares. No one.