Five Lesser Known Effects Of Alcohol
posted November 3, 2009 - 2:51pmMany people enjoy the occasional glass of wine with dinner. Some of the colorful fruit-filled cocktails one sees advertised in magazines look scrumptious, and who doesn't drool over a frosty mug of beer on a hot summer evening. It has been suggested that the moderate use of alcohol might even have some positive health results.
That's all well and good, but I think a warning label should be placed on all alcoholic products stating that overindulgence can lead to hangovers. This may sound a little silly, but since we are in the midst of a landslide effort to warn every single idiot on earth with or without the sense God gave a goose about every single possibility of harm or injury that every single product available to mankind might cause, I believe I can make my case. (Whew!)
There is not an alcoholic beverage in existence that, when taken in large quantities, does not cause a hangover. Hangovers are the scourge of every drunk worth his salt, and nothing is being done to find a cure. Oh, sure, there are the home remedies that old Uncle Farcus swears by, and then there are the old favorites, such as aspirin, an egg plopped in the hair of the dog, and don't forget the trip to the fire station for a hit off from the oxygen tank.
I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but there is absolutely no cure for the hangover. Scoff if you will, but there is nothing, zilch, nada, zeeeeroooo to cure stupidity. Of course it's easy for me to patronize. I have had my share, but I also have seen the light. Well, actually the light smacked me right between the blinkers a few years ago while I was draped around my best friend the toilet, spewing up my liver.
I always wondered why I overindulged from time to time. Had I ever eaten anything that incurred such wrath with my entire body, I never would have eaten it again. Not so with the yummy rum punch drinks. Now there's a case for a warning label. Not to mention the Scorpion, Pearl Harbor, and of course, the Bombs Away. And how could I ever forget standing in the center of a crowd of my maniacal softball team players and shooting Bull Sweat. God forgive me.
Some of my closest friends have almost died from hangovers! I myself have been on the brink of ending my misery caused by da evil rumb. How can unsuspecting or forgetful people be expected to realize the horror of the hangover without a huge warning label on each and every bottle of alcohol sold in this country?
Yes, and every magazine, showing those innocent looking, pastel colored, frothy, fruity, refreshing drinks sitting on a tropical bar between two half dressed lovers holding hands, should have a hangover warning beneath the ad. "Drink responsibly." What kind of a joke is that? Who's that terrifying phrase going to stop, the ninety year old nun? I suggest a list of 5 of the most common horrific side effects which would deter anyone in their right mind from overindulgence and the inevitable hangover.
Side Effect #1
Awakening with a feeling of dread, wondering where you are and what you have been doing for the past thirty hours. Flashbacks occur, usually involving an unknown partner dressed in a Miss Piggy costume, a microphone, and possibly a shotgun.
Side Effect #2
Upon attempting to arise, you experience a stabbing eye pain accompanied by an inability to speak coherently because your tongue is wrapped in something that tastes like a well-worn gym sock. You quickly forget about the stabbing eye pain as your stomach makes a violent upswing toward your tonsils.
Side Effect #3
You experience an irrational love affair with your toilet while hugging it for dear life. You are unable to stop telling it how sorry you are, and find yourself oddly unaffected by the fact that your face is where you would normally only place your butt.
Side Effect #4
Absolutely no one speaks to you upon your initial appearance in the world of the living. This shunning will be the direct result of your failure to just go to bed instead of waking up the household to explain to them your resolution for world peace.
Side Effect #5
You swear on all that is holy that you will never, ever subject your body to such torture, until the next time someone offers you a Blueberry Martini.
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Comments
Been there a time or two!
Been there done that a time or two or was it three? Who's counting, but truth to be told--I'll bet it was more times than that before I woke up and quit drinking.
Great writing my friend!
Johnny Yuma
Hangover
Great reading. Fortunately I've only experienced 2 of the 5 side effects (and neither involve a Miss Piggy costume).
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