Funny Valentine Joke #1:
(Contributed by anonymous)

o What did the stamp say to the envelope?
Stick with me and we'll go places

o What is a ram's favorite song?
I only have Eyes for Ewe, Dear

o What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A stamp

o What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing, it shuts up

o What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
You get buttered up

o If your Aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
Antelope

o What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
One is bored over a man; the other is a man overboard

Funny Valentine Joke #2:
(Contributed by anonymous)

o A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

o Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.

o When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why.
When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

o My wife told me I should be more affectionate.
So I got two girlfriends.

o A husband said to his wife,
"No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

Funny Valentine Joke #3:
(Contributed by anonymous)

o A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants provided that his mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks for a moment and then says...
"OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

o The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.

o Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

o How do most men define marriage?
A very expensive way to get your laundry done.

o A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

o A couple was having a discussion about family finances.
Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!"
The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

o A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

o Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

o The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

o Cosmetics: A woman's way of keeping a man from reading between the lines.

Funny Valentine Joke #4:
(Contributed by anonymous)

o Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute

o Boring husband: Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
Bored wife: Because I married the wrong man!

o First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

o Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

o Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

o When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

o Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

o Bachelors should pay more taxes; they enjoy a better quality of life.

o Why Government does not allow a Man to Marry 2 Women?
Because per Constitution, you can NOT PUNISH TWICE for the same Mistake

o When do you congratulate someone for their mistake?
On their marriage.

o If you do NOT have a wife - You are missing something in your life.
If you have a wife - You are missing So Many things in your life.

Funny Valentine Joke #5:
(Contributed by anonymous)

o Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said...
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
“When I got fired, you were there to support me.”
“When my business fell, you were there.”
“When I got shot, you were by my side.”
“When we lost the house, you gave me support.”
“When my health started failing, you were still by my side.”
“When I think about it now ... I think you bring me bad luck!”

o When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

o A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her husband...
"Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"
The husband excitedly asks, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?"
She says, "Pack'em all, you're leaving!"

o A couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The husband decided to make a wish, too but he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment but then smiled, "It really works!"

o Two women friends meet on the street, but they haven't seen each other for years. As they are talking one woman notices that her friend has a 5 carat diamond ring, and says...
"My what a magnificent ring."
Her friend relies, "Yes, it is, but unfortunately it comes with a curse. It comes with my husband!"

Funny Valentine Joke #6:
(Contributed by anonymous)

o A man walks into a post office one day and sees a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him; he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

o A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband...
"I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Here are related link to other funny Valentine cartoons
- AsianBrainCartoons