People do funny things and not even notice. This is a list that was in my inbox, and so I will share it with others.
Doctor’s notes
American doctors notes on patients charts (actual notes – unedited)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking Chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40lb. weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
22. Patient was seen in consultation by doctor X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
23. Large brown stool and ambulating in the hall.
24. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
25. Patient appears responsive, but unable to communicate with me.
26. Bladder is under control but cannot stop urine from seeping.
27. Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.
28. Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.
29. Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains are significant pain to me.
30. The blood work up showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.
31. If it weren’t for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.
32. Testicles are missing on this woman.

The following excerpts are actually genuine letters from people that want repairs to their home.

1. Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.
2. I want some repairs doing to my cooker, as it backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. The toilet is blocked and we can’t bath the children until it is cleared.
4. Their man next door has a large erection in his back yard which is unsightly and dangerous.
5. Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send some body round to do something about it.
7. Would you please repair our toilet? My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.
8. Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her.
9. I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to masturbate his food.
10. In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.
11. I am pleased to inform you that my husband, who was reported missing, is dead.
12. Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going into hospital to have her overtures out.
13. Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children – one of which is a mistake as you well see.
14. My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic.
15. Unless I get my husband’s maintenance money saying, I shall be obliged to live an immortal.
16. The children have been of school because there is a lot of measles about and I have had them humanized.
17. You have changed my little boy in to a little girl. Will this matter?
18. Please forward my money at once as I have for fallen into average with my landlord and the milk man.
19. Mrs. Brown only thinks she is ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.
20. In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
21. I want my sick pay a quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don’t improve, I shall get another doctor.
22. I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.
23. Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.
24. Re your dental inquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.
25. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a lie as I marry his father a week before he was born.
26. I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children’s names. This was due to contraceptional circumstances.
27. I do wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
28. This is to let you know there is as smell coming from the man next door.
29. The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

Performance evaluations

These quotes were taken from actual performance evaluations:
1. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely want be.”
2. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
3. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
From military performance appraisals:
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full six pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. Our gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.
6. As bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
8. He’s so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
10. It’s hard to believe that he beat 1 billion other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.