Once I read 'The Rules', I realized what I've been doing wrong. I had been operating under the assumption that in order to snare a lifetime partner, one must:

1. Show up

2. Operate with reckless abandon

So far, that's all I've had to do most of the time. However, I can see where I might have been going wrong because my own rules differ somewhat from what the lovely 'creatures' who wrote 'The Rules' state are necessary in 'bringing down' a man. Until now, my rules have gone something like this:

3. Talk about my syphilis

4. Floss repeatedly and exclaim 'wow, that tastes like the shrimp I had last week!'

5. Discuss the best way to find a used colostomy bag on E-Bay

6. Ask if he saw anyone follow me into the restaurant because the CIA have been following me and keep trying to get my DNA so they can frame me for JFK's murder

7.Yawn repeatedly and talk about the football team I was out with last night having been more than I'd bargained for

8,. Scratch head, pull bugs out of hair, stare at them and then pop them into my mouth

9. Talk about my unusual talent for producing copious amounts of ear wax and then turn and squirt some at him

10.Talk dreamily about growing up on that hog farm in Arkansas while twisting hair romantically around finger - speak wistfully about Uncle Daddy

11. Discuss the ragingly hot affair I'm having with my brother

Pretty sure I will be married within the week!!