Foreword

So you have just graduated from high school and are ready to make the big jump to college. This guide will take you on a magical journey from packing your things, all the way to calling your parents when you get your first ticket. This guide is not to be taken seriously at all.

Section One- Packing

It is the last day of summer, and you are eager to move on to bigger and better things. Hopefully you have a headache from your previous night celebrating your departure. On this final day, you sit in your room, and ponder what you ought to bring to college for this first freshman semester.
The first thing that you should consider bringing would be your clothing. You want to have a good quantity of pants and several T-shirts with clever sayings on them. You should also bring plenty of towels. You will have many spills to clean up in the coming weeks.
Quick Tip- Resolve is great at cleaning puke, tequila, cereal, and pretty much anything you can spill on your nice Arabian carpet.
The next things you should gather would be your shoes. I would recommend two pairs of shoes. The first pair should be some nice running shoes, wear these to class or wherever.  The other pair should be beat up shoes that you really do not care about. I like to call these my drinking shoes. A common phrase in my hallway would be, “ get on your drinking shoes, its Thursday night!”
Cold remedies like Nyquil and Tylenol should be brought in large quantities. You should also bring headache medicine and Alka-Seltzer. You never know when these things will come in handy.
The next thing you should obtain would be a nice sized fridge. This fridge will hold cans of beer, and water. You should look for a fridge with a large freezer that will fit about two or more bottles of hard liquor.
A medical kit is also a very large priority. There will be many a night when you will injure yourself by doing many stupid activities. This kit should have Neosporin and many bandages. Burn cream is also highly recommended. Rubbing alcohol may be included in this kit, but its main purpose is not of first aid concern. With said rubbing alcohol you would pour some on your hands and proceed to light them on fire, preferably with a Zippo lighter. This is a very fun exercise that will amaze the many spectators that you will have. You can also be creative with this one. Do not worry it is 100 percent safe.
That pretty much covers it for packing, but remember if it seems breakable or necessary, bring it along.

Section Two- Arrival

Once you finally arrive at your college campus you will notice many things. The first thing you will notice will be the large amount of confused freshman faces and their concerned looking parents by their sides.
Once you find an acceptable parking spot, I recommend a handicapped spot as they are generally closer, you should find someone with ‘Staff” on their shirt to help you lug your things up many flights of stairs into your room.  Atop the mountain of stairs you will have a large jumble of your items in front of your door. You can now move them on the inside of your room. Make sure that you arrive before your roommate does, so you can claim the better of the furniture. It will still be shitty, but less shitty than the other stuff presumably.
Now you should move on to decorating the room with funny, yet original posters. Also make sure that you have plenty of tape, because you will acquire funny random things to post on your walls in the coming weeks. Things like liquor labels, speeding or disorderly conduct tickets, and receipts from Wal-Mart highlighting your obscene expenditures.
The next step would be to make one of your parents put the sheets and blankets on your bed, you will probably not know how to do this. You should also attempt to creep out your roommate as often as possible. Saying things like, “ I’m going to go shit in the sink” will definitely work toward this objective.
The first night that you arrive, you can count on going to a party, and getting hammered. This pattern of partying on weekdays may continue, but it is not a negative thing.

Section Three- First Week

The first week of college will most likely be one of the best weeks of your life. You will still not be used to being on your own, with no rules and regulations. You will continue to make buckets of friends, that is, if you are a weird bastard like myself.
You will still be discovering parties that are good, and some that are bad. You should also be getting to know the janitor on your floor. Make friends with them, as they clean up your messes. And you will have messes. You will also become very acquainted with the restroom, but I will cover this in the next step.
The first week you will also be expected to go to some classes. You will find out in this week what classes can be easily skipped, or which classes have work that can be bullshitted in minutes.
Another important aspect of the first week would be the food quality. If you have a large buffet style cafeteria, eat at your own risk. Sure, the food looks delicious, and may taste delicious, but as soon as you are done eating, you will feel something bad. The bathroom will answer this call ten minutes later. Sooner or later you will be used to this awful fact of life, and will work it in to your daily schedule.

Section Four- Bathroom Etiquette

The bathroom, or bathhouse as it is sometimes called will be your sanctuary. This smelly, unsanitary room will become a place that you come to have fun, and maybe even meditate. On party nights, large gatherings of people will generally be in the bathroom cheering on someone who is vomiting quite loud and violently. The showers also make good places for vomit. Late night water fights or soap wars may also take place in this pleasant room. This is also the recommended place to light your hands on fire with the rubbing alcohol that you obtained in section one. It is recommended that every time you enter the bathroom, you wear footwear. Walking barefooted is not recommended, as you will surely catch a plethora of vile diseases. The bathroom is also a great place to post signs, or funny pictures that you may have printed.

Section Five- The Hallway

The hallway is one of the best places to have fun. This is a place where people from many rooms gather, and converse. Many times you will have sporting equipment such as basketballs or footballs with which to play with in the hallway. Always remember that a broken exit sign or window does not mean to stop whatever it was that you were doing. The hallway is also a place where fires may be started, whether accidentally or purposefully. Do not be worried by the smell of smoke or the sight of fire, there is always a helping hand just around the way. Another good idea for some hallway fun is to remove all the carpets from the hall, and send one intoxicated friend on a rolling chair flying down the hall at high speeds. The hallway is also a place where friends gather and eat a meal of food, right in the center of the walkway. Many great chases and races take place in the nicely carpeted hallways. The recreation rooms however, get little to no use.

Section Six- Downtown

Venturing downtown is a necessary and important step in enjoying college. Many, if not all of the parties you attend will be off campus.  The journey downtown is not an easy one. There are many perilous obstacles that can stand in your way. The weather conditions are often a treacherous deterrent to partygoers. Be prepared, bring or make a poncho out of a garbage bag if necessary. When the snow starts to pile up, make sure you have plenty of warm jackets, or hoodies.
The police and law enforcement officials can be a large downer. They are always on the lookout for vulnerable drunk college students. If you are going to publicly urinate, or destroy someone’s property, make sure to have a lookout man. This person will yell if he sees the scary silhouette of a police vehicle.
 Another key part of this section would be finding a very good restaurant in town. This eating-place must be open very late, if not all night. The staff that works here must also be very tolerant to drunken people, and their antics.

The outside streets will always look different to you in the daylight hours. Things are generally clearer when you are awake and sober.

Section Seven- Napping

Throughout your college career you will find yourself bored in the daylight hours. You must take several naps spanning the day. These naps may be from twenty minutes to three hours in duration.  Napping gives you the ability to stay up all hours of the night. Some nights you will sleep more during the day than you have at night, this is never a bad thing.

Section Eight- Tickets

So the time has finally come, you have gotten your first ticket. It is not the end of the world, it happens to the best of us. Whether it is a speeding ticket, or an underage drinking ticket, you will still have to attend court. Depending on what your charge is, you may want to let your parents know that you may be doing some time. The phone call home will be very awkward, and may result in some foul language on both sides of the ball. In the end you may end up regretting the phone call home.
Now the day has come for your court date, hasn’t it? The court may be at some illogical time, like at six o’clock on the second day of fall break. You still should go. The judge will most likely be very unruly and threaten unnecessarily illogical punishments. For example, I got a disorderly conduct ticket for breaking a tree branch, and was threatened with fifteen days in jail. Will he actually give me jail? We will know in a couple of weeks. After getting a ticket you may declare something foolish like, “ I am never drinking or partying again, I am going to stay in and study on weekends.” This is the wrong way to look at things. I will not even explain why it is wrong, it just is.

Final Word

This guide should be used as a loose framework for your college shenanigans. Remember, if something seems fun, you should generally do it. And do it well.
You may be asking me why I did not include many thoughts about classes and studying. You will probably find time in between hangovers and partying to do some work.
Remember… Sober is smart, but drunk may be much more fun.