There ought to be a law. Then again, when there isn’t one, you should be allowed to make up a few rules of your own. My own personal belief is that you make up a rule or a law and then you adjust it accordingly afterwards. I guess there are some laws that make sense but then again even those have gray areas.

Anyway, there ought to be a law that requires people to shut off their damn cell phones before they enter a place of eating. I would also advocate that people who forget to turn their cell phones off during movies can be beaten to death with the nearest armrest. However, one Chicago deli has decided to make up its own rules.

When you approach this particular deli in downtown Chicago and you are carrying a cell phone that is still on anywhere on your person an alarm more obnoxious than the loudest car alarm goes off. It is so loud it is likely to cause the person who offended to jump back. Everyone in the place will turn and look at them. Humiliation shall be theirs. It would only be better if lasers tracked the cell phones and then vaporized them.

It seems there is a sign on the window that indicates if you can’t shut off your cell phone to eat there because you are so important then you really need to find a more upscale place to eat. This is the thing about people who insist on bringing cell phones into eating establishments that so irks me. The people who do so seem to be trying to make a statement that they are so important that something as pedestrian as a lunch cannot possibly take them away from their work and you just need to adapt to them. Obviously, they are so hugely important to the spinning of the planet that they cannot disconnect themselves for even a moment.

I turn my phone off a lot. I am made fun of my friends because they say they cannot get a-hold of me at various times throughout the day. I like voicemail. Voicemail is great at weeding things out. If it’s really important I know that someone will leave a voicemail and I can call them back at my leisure. It’s my way of taking control.

Then again, I have never been much of a phone guy. Sure, I think cell phones are cool. I love a good gadget, but truthfully, for me, cell phones are just tiny typewriters. I love text messaging. I love communicating through a keyboard. Were it possible for me to communicate to everyone through a keyboard. If you really want to get me you should try text messaging me.

So, I am all for the idea of alarms that go off when you try to enter certain establishment with a cell phone. The only problem I see is that the alarm is almost more obnoxious than the cell phone. Once again I would like to point your attention to my idea of lasers or plasma beams that would incinerate cell phones. If someone had their Razr destroyed just trying to walk into a restaurant, ball game, movie theater or funeral home they might think twice.

I would also like to advocate that people who walk into elevators while still trying to carry on a conversation should have to fall through a hole in the elevator. Sensors should indicate that a cell phone is in use and a hole should open beneath them. The louder they talk and shout and tell the person at the other end that they are in an elevator the faster they should have to fall or something.

Here’s a tip for you. If you get on an elevator stop talking to the person you are talking to. No one else wants to hear it. No one else cares. No one, and I mean no one, not even the one you are talking to, wants to hear about how you can’t hear them because the signal is breaking up.

You walk down a street these days you see everyone has a cell phone. I am pretty sure I saw a homeless man not that long ago carrying a cell phone while walking down the street. Either that or he was talking to himself but with those damn Bluetooth headsets you really can’t tell who’s doing that anymore these days.

I would also like to institute a policy whereby lasers would vaporize those damn ear pieces too. You aren’t a cyborg. You don’t need to have that stupid thing on your ear while you walk through the library or bookstore. More than likely you don’t need to be wearing the stupid thing while you’re walking through the grocery store.

I am willing to make exceptions. If, indeed, you have a job where decisions you make can cause the collapse of the economy or lead the world into war you can talk on your phone anywhere you please. I am also willing to allow for anyone who might be on the show “24” but only if they are, in fact, filming an episode. Jack Bauer is the only person who should be allowed to shout while on the phone unless you have some kind of disorder that prevents you from lowering the volume of your voice. And, you had better have documentation with you at all times that supports you have such a disorder.

People need to take time to disconnect. Wireless networks mean you can carry a laptop with you at all times and connect to the internet no matter where you are. Exactly why you need immediate and constant access to porn I am not sure. On the other hand, on certain days, I can understand the urge.

I think there will be a point where people implant something into their head and constantly carry a phone with them. They’ll be able to answer their phone by pinching their ear. They will be able to dial by shouting the numbers. They’ll hear the other person from inside their head.

Of course then, when they walk into certain establishments they might get vaporized all-together. Which, again, I am not entirely opposed to. I am telling you, a person needs to disconnect. They need to step away. There needs to be time when you can stop talking and just sit there and be yourself without thinking of the next thing to say.

So be careful the next time you are in downtown Chicago. If you happen to be chatting on your cell phone and an alarm goes off or a laser shoots at you just be sure you shut off your phone. Give us all a bit of peace.

Bryan W. Alaspa’s new novel Dust is now available on his website www.bryanalaspa.com and www.amazon.com.