I hate my life. I truly do. The only thing that keeps me alive is my son. If I didn't have him, I'd be gone from this world by now. Thank God I have him.

I made such a huge mistake meeting up with my ex-fiancee. He has broken my heart again. Once I saw him again for the first time in 18 years and spent some time with him, I felt I still had very strong feelings for him. And I turned into a total maniac. I wanted to be with him so badly because I've been alone for so long. I'm so lonely. I have nobody but a seven-year-old to talk to every day. Not that I don't enjoy talking with my son, but sometimes I'd really enjoy some adult company.

He came over yesterday evening for dinner. After dinner, we came into my room and watched some t.v. I told him I considered him my boyfriend, and he told me to slow down. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else or was interested in anyone else, and he looked at me and said no. This morning I decided to do a little snooping. I checked one of his friends on MySpace and looked at her pics. She only had one, and it had two comments. I decided to peek. They were both from him saying he'd love to talk to her, and she was gorgeous. I felt as though I'd been punched in the gut. I quickly shot off an email asking him why he lied. Later in the afternoon, I tried to call him, and he had apparently blocked my number. I saw him pop online, so I tried to talk to him. He immediately signed out. I looked on my MySpace page at my friends and noticed he was gone. He has blocked me. I thought it was pretty childish, but he made me feel crazy and I don't like when a man makes me feel crazy. I was always the one calling him. I was always the one initiating conversation on the computer. And yet, he'd tell me he wanted to see me, that he enjoyed being with me, we were intimate...signs I thought meant he wanted to be with me. I was so wrong. So very, very wrong.