6
votes

Senior Year part 1 (preview)

posted May 31, 2008 - 9:57pm
Senior Year part 1 (preview)

Senior Year

Down a dark suburban road, surrounded by lush, blooming magnolia trees, a generic two-story middle class house stands. Inside, in the kitchen’s breakfast nook, one seat is left open at the breakfast table. Mom, Dad and Travis are seated eating in silence, the bland bagels Mom has toasted for the occasion - Monday. Danique freshly showered and dressed in her school day best, slowly enters. She sits at the open spot.

Dad in the most sarcastic tone he can muster this early - later, he will be able to do much more - addresses his beautiful daughter:
“Good morning sunshine! So glad you could join us on this fine Monday. All ready for the shrink?”

Danique still not full awake but trying her best:
“Good morning daddy. No I am not – he doesn’t help me – he’s a drunk.”

Mom’s angry switch is instantly flipped. She’s been waiting all morning for this.
“I have told you not to think like that. Every week it’s the same thing – ‘He’s a drunk. He doesn’t like me. He’s a creep.’ Blah, blah, blah. Of course he can’t help you with that mindset. Dr. ------- is the finest psychiatrist in the area.”

Danique knew this was coming; it was almost a Monday tradition – Mom mashing her buttons. Danique was only too happy to oblige.
“According to who? The guy reeks of alcohol all-the-time and you know it. Half the time he won’t see me because he is sooo hung over. And he doesn’t like me.”

Danique looks to her dad for solace. Lately he seems to be her only refuge from Mom. Usually he readily takes up her cause. Today is no different.

“And we're paying for this?” he offers without looking at Mom.

“Dad, you know this is her way of getting out of going. No such luck.”

Mom, with a fierce look for Danique, grabs her by the arm and pulls her towards the Front Door. Mom, with her free arm, grabs a bookbag and flings it at Danique without stopping or losing her grip on her. Dad rolls his eyes.
“Do we have to go through this every, single Monday?”

Mom could, or maybe would, not hear him due to the fury she felt for her first child.
“I will not let you willingly destroy yourself! It will not happen!”

Mom takes a quick and final look behind her.
“Travis lets go now!”

Travis jumps up from the table without a word, grabs his bookbag and squeezes past Mom and Danique, bolting out the front door.

Read part 2 of the preview here

Like the story?  Download the full version here on my homepage



Comments

Part three

Part three is here!

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Thanks

Thank you. Hopefully three will be out soon - just waiting for the ok.

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Very, very nice -- you have

Very, very nice -- you have an effortless style -- looking forward to reading the rest. This is a terrific way to start a piece of fiction -- create vivid characters and give them problems to deal with right from the git-go. There's talent here.

Are You Looking At Me?

Are you looking for one? lol... just kidding. It's just something I would have done if I was you. Bring out the next one soon!

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Done!

Man your like having my own editor. Thank you and keep the pointers coming! :)

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Convenience

Would you mind adding a link to Part 2 at the end of the story? It will make it easier for other readers to follow your story.

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Done!

Thanks. For the heads up. Like I said I am reworking this piece. I'm trying to clean-up as I go but sometimes I miss stuff. thanks :)

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Thanks Mia

Hopefully it will be out today. Thanks.

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Lovely

Lovely story. You've got a good ear for dialog. Some corrections: Usually he is readily takes up her cause. And we're paying for this? Keep up the good work and I'm looking forward to more.

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wHATUP, I like reading fiction posts

Hey wHATUP, I like reading fiction posts on Xomba, especially ones with dialogue. Dialogue is not easy to write and not easy to keep it real. Danique totally sounds like a teen and I like how you had Travis as a secondary character who helps define the tension by actions. Like kjhack, I look forward to the next part. +1 from me. Peace, Mia NW Visit my recent posts at: http://www.xomba.com/user/mia_northwest Get paid to be a xombie! Join us here at: http://www.xomba.com/referral/77793fec Thanks!

~Peace, Mia

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