Hey Ozzy, Our Kids Need Ya

My kid needs help, ya know, so I thought hey, he needs Ozzy. No, not the weirdo who married Harriet. That dude gave me the creeps with the cardigan sweaters and all that. Them and their two emo sons, I mean, like, just get ‘em outta here. No, I mean my man Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness. Me and my friends think he’s awesome.

Like, I’m really bummed out about the little brat. He’s 15 years old and he don’t got a life and he don’t care. He goes to school, joins clubs, does homework, what’s the story? Me and my friend are tryin’ to wake up the little dude, but he won’t listen. We tell’m, “like ya got all these little chicks runnin around. So whattya doin in the science club?” He says “dad, we have girls in the club”. I grabbed my friend when the little dude said that and said “Hey dude, why’s he talkin’ like that? Whazzup with that?” My friend thought that was really heavy and said“Yeah”. So I said “Dude, I wanted ta’became part of Ozzy’s crew and so should the little dude”. He knew where I was comin from and said “yeah”.

So I figured I gotta help the little dude before it’s over man. I mean, I had Black Sabbath and Marilyn Manson when I was a kid. Hell, I even had the real Manson, Charlie. Now it’s his turn. So I stole the “The Osbournes” DVD. They know what family means, ya know? I mean, Ozzy has it down. Hey, ya don’t believe me? Then why did Bush, the top guy, say his mom loved him? Yeah, that’s right – they called it “The 2002 White House Correspondents Dinner” or “Munchies” or somethin’ like that. Whatever. They gave him a Star in Hollywood, Emmys, I mean, the whole thing. He’s the real deal, man. I mean, if anybody can help my little dude, it’s Ozzy, the Prince of Darkness and The Man. I mean, the little dude needs a slap in the head and Ozzy’s the Man to do it. Right now, he’s a prisoner of The Man. No, no, not Ozzy The Man, the other The Man. Ya know, “The Man”? As in “The Man”? The “system”? “Establishment”? Whatever.

So me and my friend figured we could make the little dude stop the homework for a change and watch “The Osbournes”. Ozzy can work it, ya know? With kids, ya can’t keep sayin “no”. They’ll say yeah, and do what they want. Ozzys’ got it down. He wants’ his brats to have a good time, ya know? So he sticks rubbers in their dressers and says f _ _ _ _ _ A, now they got protection. Ya watch “The Osbournes” ya know how to take care of ‘em. That’s right. I mean, his daughter’s gonna go out and do it, she’s hot. If his son’s like Ozzy, well ya know, who’s kiddin who? He’s Ozzy’s brat. The dude’s 15 and ya can’t say “do this”, “don’t do that” and Ozzy knows it.

So we got him away from the books and made’m sit down. He kept wantin’ to get up and go to school, but me and my friend told’m he had to get it together. I said “hey little dude, school’s for losers man”. He tried to get out from the crib and go, but we didn’t let’m. My friend almost gave in, but I worked it. I said “hey dude, hang in there”. I kept bangin it into his head to make sure he’s on board. In fact, I banged his head on the floorboard. When he got weak I said “Hey dude, we gotta work this together”. He found the strength to work the little dude with me and said “yeah”.

Seven days later, we banged it into’m. Ya’ gotta be a hard-ass sometimes, ya’ know? Whatta they call it? Love tough or tough love? Whatever. But it worked. Now he knows Ozzy’s the Man. We sat afterwards, did some weed and listened to “Iron Man”. I said “hey little dude, watch this”. I grabbed his parakeet from the cage and bit its head off. He laughed and said, “awesome dude, that’s just like Ozzy!” . “So little dude” I said, “does Ozzy know how to do it or what? He straightened ya’ out, helped ya’ get your head together?” He smiled and as he nodded off, said “yeah”.

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