It's been two years already. I thought time was supposed to heal, make it better. It didn't.

I hold back the tears.

Each time it comes, it's with a different trigger, usually something having nothing to do with anything. A car commercial. The cat pouncing at the turtle in the glass tank. The dog yawning. Making eggs. That stupid douche commercial.

For no reason, my daughter runs up and kisses me. I hold back the tears, barely.

Divorce sucks for everyone. Don't believe the hype that tells you otherwise. Maybe at first it seems less painfull, depending on your point of view. But time, I have found, does not always heal. It can also harm. Divorce happens because of control. The struggle for whose really in charge, rightly or wrongly. When I decided I wanted to take control back of my life and stop pretending, lying, and acting like someone I wasn't, divorce became the end of that realationship that was marred from the start. Kids made it a difficult conclusion naturally. Moving made it worse. And again I've given some control back to her.

That soap gets you so clean, I might cry.

I remember many nights on the couch, between my old house and my own apartment, would be spent silently thinking about the future of how they will grow up with me out of their daily lives. That was not what I wanted. I'd close my eyes, trying to goto sleep. But I could feel the warm wetness building in my head, trying to get out. Lips quivering, temples throbbing, trying not to let on just how much it hurt to not see them, hold them, everyday.

One day, I'm not going to be able to hold back the tears anymore. I feel that day is soon....