I’m feeling out of it. Wherever I turn I see chunky people. I’m tired of eating five servings of vegetables and fruit per day. I want to join the 60 million Americans who are obese. These folk know how to eat. Here’s what you need to do to join their ranks.

Before you begin your obesity quest, buy a health insurance policy. If you try to purchase the insurance after you reach your fat goal, your request may be denied because of a “pre-existing health condition.” The down side of overeating is heart disease, high blood pressure, Type II Diabetes, and breast, colon, and prostate cancer. But heck, the food tastes great, so lets get on with the meals.

An average sized person eats around 2000 calories a day. To reach your rotund goal, plan on tripling that. Eat a large breakfast. Set the tone for the remainder of the day and eat out. Drive to your local greasy spoon and order one of the following tasty treats:

• Roll (none of that whole wheat crap) with lots of butter washed down with a coke

• Pancakes covered with gobs of syrup and powered sugar accompanied with a large milk shake

Eating at home may motivate you from having a well-balanced breakfast, and we don’t want to spoil our diet with high fiber cereals or low fat yogurt and fruit. Yuck!

Lunchtime is a perfect time to get out of the office and pig out. Remember, always eat at a fast food joint and request extra value meals. To speed up your pudgy quest choose from this menu:

• Triple cheeseburger, Chili fries, and an extra large cola

• Hot dog stuffed with sloppy Joe sauce, a bag of chips washed down by large lemonade with a candy bar to munch on in the cab back to work.

Please, no dabbing any food with a paper towel to absorb oil. That’s extra calories you’re wasting.

We are told from childhood to eat fruit. To reach your tubby goal, try one of these:

            • Strawberry short cake                    • apple turnover          

yes">            • chocolate covered strawberries            • banana bread

 When drinking a beverage, keep in mind this important rule: if it’s clear, don’t drink it. It may be water. Water doesn’t have calories and won’t help you reach your dumpy objective.

It’s now time for dinner. I strongly suggest you eat late to avoid going to bed hungry. Here are some menu suggestions:

• Ribs, baked potato with all the trimmings (sour cream, chives, and bacon), a small salad for those pesky nutrients with gobs of ranch dressing

 • If you’re on a tight budget, and who isn’t these days, go back to your favorite fast food restaurant and survey their dollar menu.

Set your alarm and wake up for your midnight snack delight. Choose from the following list of treats, great to munch on any time of day or night:

            • Candy bars            • doughnuts            • pies            • ice cream   • cookies  • anything fried

Remember those five vegetable servings you need? Well choose one of these tasty veggies:

            • Guacamole            • stuffed potatoes            • sweet potato casserole      

When you increase your flab, you’ll have the rare opportunity to say bye-bye to old clothes and purchase a brand new wardrobe. Since most designer pants, dresses, and shirts are manufactured for your skinny brothers and sisters, plan on specialty shopping on-line. Also, order your clothes a few sizes too large so you have room to grow. Think elastic waistbands.

Moderate exercise is recommended. When you have to walk, stroll over to your electric powered scooter. They are wonderful to zip around the mall in search of mocha frappachino ice blends. Other suggested exercise routines include play station, Wii, or picking up one French fry at a time—great for the wrists. Never, ever over exert yourself without the approval of your doctor.

Once you reach your desired elephantine goal, get a doctor’s note so you can park in a disabled spot in front of your favorite McDonalds. Remember, if it’s white, it’s right—white bread, white rice, and white potatoes. Bon-appetite!